“I am so stressed!” is a phrase I hear frequently. It’s also something I say from time to time. The reality is we experience many stressors in life. Stressors can be short-lived or long-lasting. They can range in intensity with some feeling very manageable while others push us to our limits. Sometimes stress escalates to a level described as overwhelming. It is important to know the difference between feeling stressed and overwhelmed because they require different responses. When we are able to accurately identify which one we are experiencing, we can use appropriate coping behaviors and accurately convey our needs to others.
What is stress?
According to the World Health Organization “Stress is a natural human response that prompts us to address challenges and threats in our lives. Everyone experiences stress to some degree.” We often use the word “stress” in a negative way, however if our lives were completely stress free we may not get anything accomplished. Stress, in mild to moderate doses, helps keep us motivated to accomplish goals and tasks. Stress also plays a useful role in protecting us—we need it at a basic level to help us react to danger and threatening situations. When stress becomes extreme or long lasting, it takes a toll on us—both mentally and physically. We all know what stress is and most likely experience it quite regularly. It can fluctuate in intensity (and should have moments of reprieve) and some days or weeks may be more challenging. What is key to remember about stress is you are able to continue engaging in what you are doing although it may feel harder.
What is overwhelmed?
Overwhelmed is stress on steroids. Namely, we reach a point in which we hit a wall and can’t continue. When we are overwhelmed, we simply have no other option than to stop, take a timeout and reset. According to Dr. Brené Brown, the response to feeling overwhelmed is to simply do nothing—literally. Doing nothing is the anecdote to feeling overwhelmed and if we try to push ourselves like we do when we feel stressed, we prolong the situation. Dr. Brown is specific about what nothing entails. Nothing does not mean distracting yourself by doing something else (e.g., scrolling through social media or doing an unrelated task). It means taking a true pause, even if only for 10 or 15 minutes in order to reset.
When I describe the difference to my clients I use the example of the RPM gauge in a car. This gauge gives us information about how hard the engine of the car is working and its level of “stress”. When the needle gets into the red, you risk blowing the engine. The same is true for us. We need a little bit of stress or motivation to engage in tasks, around a 1-2. We can manage stress from levels 3-6.5, but it may feel challenging at times. When our stress level reaches a 7 or 8, we are overwhelmed. It’s important to know the difference between feeling stressed and overwhelmed since they require different responses. Accurately differentiating between the two allows us to communicate our needs clearly to others and deal with the situation appropriately.
Examples of responding to stressful and overwhelming situations
I am no stranger to stress. I am constantly pulled in a lot of directions with work, commitments, friends, family. Not all stress is negative, but it creates busyness in my life that can sometimes accumulate. Recently, I had a major project with a looming deadline and found myself working a lot more than usual. Using the RPM gauge, normally my stress level is a 1-3, however during this period it was at 5-6. This period involved a long stretch of business travel and the demands of the project required working longer hours and weekends for a sustained period of time. I noticed the increased stress impacted my energy and mood. I felt persistently exhausted and less interested in doing things I normally would enjoy. Everything seemed harder or more challenging than usual. Even engaging in pleasant activities such as going out to dinner with friends or going to a comedy show I had looked forward to for some time seemed taxing. I was more irritable and tense than usual and quicker to react. I knew I was stressed and not overwhelmed because I was able to still focus and make progress, it just took more effort. I was able to convey my needs and ask my spouse for help with things I couldn’t manage to fit in (e.g., household chores). I could implement coping strategies and coach myself through it, knowing it was a temporary situation. Eventually the project was completed and the deadline passed allowing me to return to a more manageable stress level.
In contrast, I am not often overwhelmed. There are certain examples that I remember vividly and my reaction to them was very different than how I cope with stress. One that stands out happened several years ago. Shortly after I completed breast cancer treatment I had to have ultrasounds every 6 months to monitor my ovaries. Since I have the BRCA gene, I have a high risk of ovarian cancer. During a routine appointment the technician found something on one of my ovaries. Within moments I had multiple doctors in the room examining the blurry image on the screen and informing me I would need to meet with a surgeon within a couple of days. Immediately everything started moving in slow motion. I had just finished treatment which involved numerous surgeries, chemotherapy, doctor appointments, and I was just starting to get my life back. The thought of another surgery, recovery, potentially life threatening news was simply overwhelming (my RPM gauge was in the red). I happened to be alone at this appointment, so I made my way to my car. I decided not to call anyone to share this news, I wasn’t sure I could actually speak and I knew I couldn’t respond to the fear and concern that would be on the other end of the call. I decided to start driving and go to the one place that seemed comforting to me—Costco. Yes, I realize going to a gigantic wholesale warehouse full of bulk goods does seem a bit odd, however something about pushing a cart down the aisles of homewares and groceries was strangely soothing. I didn’t have to talk about what happened or make decisions about my health, I could just focus on what was around me and feel like life was normal. After about an hour, I was able to make the long drive home and communicate the news I had received and begin to make a plan for surgery that would take place 10 days later. Walking around Costco that day provided me with the time I needed to reset so that I could effectively engage with my situation. Had I tried to spring into action or push through without allowing myself that space, it would have escalated my distress significantly.
TIPS for managing stress and overwhelm:
Be clear about whether you are stressed or overwhelmed. It can be helpful to put a number to what you are experiencing and simulate an RPM gauge. If you feel like like you want to curl up in the fetal position, chances are you are in the red zone and overwhelmed. If you feel like it takes more effort to accomplish tasks, but you are able to press on, you are stressed. We all have different cues, so it is important to know yours.
Respond appropriately to the situation. In order to respond appropriately, you have to be aware of what you are experiencing and know what you need. What makes you feel better when you are stressed? Sometimes we exercise, meditate, delegate, make a to-do list. What about when you are overwhelmed? This is where we need to focus on nothingness or stillness. Sitting quietly, taking a bath, taking a walk down the street. Focus on activities that cultivate calm to allow yourself to reset. Keep in mind approaches we use to effectively cope with being overwhelmed may also be helpful for stress, however it doesn’t work the other way around.
Share your needs. Others don’t know how to be supportive or helpful if they don’t know what you are experiencing. Some of us aren’t the best at asking for help when we need it. The more specific we can be about expressing what we are experiencing (I am stressed, I am overwhelmed) and what we need in that moment (e.g., I could really use some supportive listening, help with tasks, quiet time/space, etc.) the more likely it is we will get the support we need.
Consider if change is needed. If you find you are feeling overwhelmed frequently or in a constant stated of high stress, it may be a cue to consider making some foundational life changes. Chronic high stress is not sustainable and can have lasting physical and mental impacts. Are there large contributors to stress that can be adjusted or significantly changed?
Using our language to appropriately label our emotions and experiences is a powerful tool that allows us to access appropriate coping skills, get support, and move through difficult situations in life. It can make the most challenging moments a bit more manageable.
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