Grief. The word and even thinking about experiencing that emotion can create discomfort. I can imagine when you saw the title of this post, you weren’t overwhelmed with excitement to dive into the topic. In fact, take a moment and notice what your reaction to grief is. What thoughts and feelings come up? The truth is we all must deal with grief throughout our lives. It’s a topic that is hard to talk about and an emotional place many of us try to avoid. However we can’t escape it. Grief demands to be dealt with and if we don’t, it has a tendency to linger. So today we talk about processing grief and ways to make it a little less overwhelming.
One of the most challenging parts of life is it’s riddled with loss. Loss comes in many forms: death, relationships, moving, jobs, health, injury, etc. Along with loss comes grief. Grief hurts, it’s hard, it’s intense, and it’s painful. No matter how hard we try, we can’t ignore it. We can try, but it doesn’t submit and kindly go away. It needs to be processed. If we engage with grief rather than ignore it, it becomes more manageable.
We all grieve differently and I’m sure you have heard there is no right or wrong way to grieve. It’s true that grief may look different for everyone, but there is one rule: you must allow yourself to grieve. Unfortunately grief is painful and sometimes when emotions hurt we do our best to avoid them and push them away. A second obstacle with grief is its duration and unpredictability which can feel overwhelming. We don’t know how long it will last and the truth is, some grief doesn’t ever completely leave us. It does get easier with time though. The more we allow ourselves to feel and acknowledge it, the more manageable it will become.
Grief is complex and consists of different stages and feelings. Work by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler identified different responses to grief that we experience. Not all grief looks the same however and we don’t necessarily experience the emotions in order. They may vary in length and intensity and we may repeat them and cycle through them. The key is to notice and allow yourself to experience them. Emotions pass and move on—they are not permanent. Let’s take a look at the different stages of grief.
The Stages of Grief
Denial. The feeling of shock and disbelief that the loss happened.
Anger. The feeling of rage about what happened. Anger is an easy emotion to access and protects us from feeling the more vulnerable emotions related to emotional pain.
Bargaining. Trying to negotiate with a higher power or wanting to feel some sense of control over changing a situation that you can’t. For example, “I would give anything to….”
Depression. The utter pain and sadness of the loss. The reality of the permanent nature of the loss can feel like a ton of bricks has been dropped on you emotionally. This can result in sadness, lack of interest in things you normally enjoy, and lethargy.
Acceptance. Getting to a place where the grief is more manageable. It may be easier to remember and enjoy positive memories rather than focusing only on the immediate loss. We accept our new reality and that our world is permanently different than before. It doesn’t mean the loss is okay. We can still miss the person (or relationship, etc.), however grief takes up less space in our lives and we are able to connect with others, engage in personal growth, and move forward in other areas of our lives that may have felt paused for a while.
Michael Keaton and Nicole Kidman star in a 1993 movie “My Life” which tells the story of a couple expecting their first child. During the pregnancy, Keaton is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The movie shows him working through the stages of grief (in order) as he faces his mortality. It is a touching illustration, however many of us move through the stages differently. Some days may be filled with all of the stages. Another day we may experience acceptance only to feel moments of depression and anger shortly after. Grief can be a roller coaster filled with emotional ups and downs and twists and turns. However over time, its intensity lessens.
One metaphor I find useful and share with my clients is imagining grief as a series of waves in the ocean. Sometimes the swells can be ferocious and relentless. There isn’t much space between them and if you were in the water, you may get knocked down and have very little time to stand up before the next wave crashes down on you. That’s grief at its highest intensity. The sensation of nearly drowning and fighting to keep your head above the water. The ocean isn’t always that rough and turbulent though. It can calm down so the waves spread out and become smaller and more manageable. You can handle the gentler swells without getting pulled under. There may even be moments where you enjoy the waves, rather than see them as punishing. The same ocean that brought grief and pain can also bring joy and happiness.
TIPS for processing grief:
It’s okay to not be okay. When grieving you are allowed to struggle and hurt. When others ask how you are doing you don’t need to respond with “I’m okay, fine, good, etc.”. When people ask how you are doing, own how you feel and be honest. What would it be like if someone asked how you are doing and you said “I’m grieving a big loss and it’s tough. I really appreciate you checking in though. It means a lot to me.”
Take breaks from grief. Grief has a tendency to feel all consuming at times. We can allow ourselves breaks from it though. Choosing a time to practice mentally shifting by doing an activity or spending time with others can be helpful. The grief will be there when you return, however we need to remember we can make space for other feelings in addition to grief. Experiencing grief does not preclude us from having other emotions. Sometimes we need to practice letting other emotions and experiences into our world.
Schedule a time to grieve. Grief is a big emotion and sometimes engaging with it can feel overwhelming and scary. Rather than allow ourselves to feel the pain, we try to push it away. If you notice yourself doing this, it can be helpful to engage with grief for limited windows. Scheduling time to be intentional about thinking about the loss, noticing what emotions come up, and being kind to yourself as you experience them.
Get support. Grief can feel very isolating. Let others know how you are actually doing. Friends and loved ones sometimes struggle with how to check in, however it’s okay to ask for what you need. There are support groups specifically for grief that allow you to connect with others dealing with the process. Counseling and several books on the topic can be useful.
As we process grief it becomes more manageable. We can experience memories or thoughts without losing our balance or feeling emotionally drained. We can think of a loved one who passed away and smile about a fond memory rather than feel the sharp pain of their absence.
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