Have you ever had a conversation that starts off well and somehow ends poorly? These exchanges can leave us feeling frustrated and confused about how our communication went so terribly wrong. This post tackles one of the main reasons those frustrating interactions occur: when participants of the conversation have different expectations about the goal of the conversation.
Let’s start with a hypothetical example. Kristine has really exciting news to share. She eagerly tells her partner, Corey, about an exciting professional opportunity she has been offered. Instead of getting encouraging words of congratulations and asking her about how she is feeling about the news, Corey begins offering advice about how Kristine can proceed. Corey feels he is being supportive and helpful, however Kristine starts to shut down and feels deflated and disappointed. Both sense some tension and what could have been a wonderful moment to share, ends up feeling uncomfortable, frustrated, and slightly awkward. How does this disconnect happen and how can we prevent it?
These types of exchanges are not uncommon. They can happen in romantic relationships, friendships, between family members, and in the workplace. In this case, Kristine and Corey had different understandings of the goals of the interaction. Both had good intentions, they simply were on different pages. Kristine wanted to share something good that had happened to her and simply inform Corey about it. Corey, trying to be helpful, offered advice. Unfortunately, Kristine was not seeking advice and this ended up derailing the conversation. When participants of a conversation are not aligned on the goal of the communication it increases the likelihood of a problematic interaction. It’s important to be aware of your goals for conversations before you engage.
Examples of conversation goals:
Provide information
Seek advice
Seek permission or approval
Seek comfort or reassurance
Share something important or personal
Get help with something
Problem solve
Vent frustration
Some of these goals have very different potential responses. Sometimes we simply want someone to listen. Other times we want feedback or an active discussion. When both participants in a conversation have a different understanding of the goals of the conversation it can lead to a breakdown in communication, hurt feelings, and potential conflict. So, how can we prevent this?
TIPS for more productive communication:
Be clear with yourself about what you want/need from the interaction. This can be a proactive strategy. If you are planning to have an important conversation with someone, take a moment to think about what you desire to come out of it. This may feel a little odd, however it helps keep the conversation on track if it starts to veer off course.
Express yourself in a way that will solicit the engagement you desire. It’s important to share your intention about the conversation clearly. For instance, if we are in the middle of making a decision, we may want input from others. If so, we can invite them to offer opinions or advice by asking “ what are your thoughts?” or “I am open to your feedback.” Other times, we are simply informing others of a decision we have already made and are not receptive to feedback. If so, using statements rather than questions can be helpful in setting the tone/expectation of the conversation. For example, “I wanted to let you know I decided to ________.”
Clarify ambiguity and uncertainty, don’t assume. If you are the listener and you aren’t quite sure how to respond or what the speaker needs, ASK! Some examples include “how can I be most helpful to you right now?”, “what do you need most from me in this moment?” It’s also helpful to ask for clarification or check in to see if you are on the same page with the speaker. For instance, “it seems like you want me to listen in a supportive way right now, is that correct?” Alternatively, if you are the speaker, it can be helpful to proactively share your intent with the listener. Let them know what you are hoping to gain from the conversation (support, advice, help, etc.). For example, “I had a really rough day and I need to share what happened. Would you mind listening for a few minutes?”
Recognize intentions. Those who care about us usually have our best interests at heart and want to be helpful. When we share our troubles or challenges, they may offer solutions even though we may not want or need advice. This can instantly frustrate us and make us wonder “why don’t they just shut up and listen?” You can imagine actually saying that probably wouldn’t end well. Alternatively, it can be helpful to focus on the listener’s good intent in order to reduce any frustration that may arise resulting from the mismatch between what you desire and actually experience in the conversation. Remember, it can be very useful to ask for what you need and acknowledge the listener’s intent. For instance, “I recognize and appreciate you are trying to be helpful, however what I really need is for you to listen right now.”
Allow differences. It’s common to treat others as we want to be treated, however they may want or need something different than we need. It’s important to recognize and respect others may have different needs in a conversation. It’s okay to acknowledge this and ask for what you need and also ask others what they need from you. For example, “I realize if I were in your position I would want some advice, however I am not sure if that is what you want right now.”
Effective and productive communication is a process filled with learning and understanding. If we are open to sharing what we need and honoring what others need from us, it can lead to more productive and rewarding interactions.
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Great strategies and such a well written piece.