Enhancing our Connection with Others

Especially with those who we don't always agree with

In an increasing polarized world, it can be hard to navigate relationships. It seems easy to focus on what we disagree on and dismiss each other rather than look for what we share in common. Compromise and finding middle ground seems to be more challenging than ever before. All or nothing thinking seems to take over. In an increasingly divisive world, how do we enhance our connection with others, particularly those who we don’t always agree with?

Just because we love or care about someone doesn’t mean we will always agree with them. No surprise there. However it seems so easy to gravitate toward people that share our belief systems and dismiss those who don’t. This seems to be even more pronounced in terms of big ticket topics like political issues, or religion. What has become problematic is when we villainize those who don’t share our values or beliefs. Unfortunately, social media feeds this tendency. It is so easy to categorize others based on one or two factors, however we have so many qualities to consider. Algorithms feed us what they think we want. We start to see the world through a filter that aligns with our preferences and opinions. While this can be appealing, it can also have a detrimental effect. We risk becoming less tolerant of differences between ourselves and others. We fall into a pattern of seeing the world in black and white and we exclude others from our lives rather than include them. The reality is being around others who don’t always agree with us can challenge us in positive ways. It can be an opportunity for growth by listening to and experiencing different perspectives and experiences.

Even though it isn’t easy, there is value in being around others who have different viewpoints. One of the iconic presidents in American history, Abraham Lincoln, surrounded himself with his political rivals after he was elected. This was unheard of then and still is. It was also a bold and genius decision. President Lincoln wanted to have input from others who had different viewpoints and ideas. This resulted in more unity during the Civil War, one of the most turbulent and challenging times in American history. It is incredibly brave to surround yourself with people who don’t always agree with you. It can be humbling and challenging, but also provides the opportunity to grow. To learn more about this story and the book about it click here.

Do we need to be friends with everyone? Of course not. Do we have certain deal breakers in terms of what is tolerable and what is not? Yes. However, these tend to center around the ways others treat us and the emotional qualities. For example, I gravitate toward people who are kind, fun, caring, and trustworthy. Do we have to share identical political viewpoints? No. Do we need to be respectful of each other? Yes. We most likely have some relationships where our differences are noticeable. Here are some ways to strengthen them and enhance our connection with others we don’t always agree with.

TIPS for finding common ground with others:

Focus on what you have in common rather than what you don’t. If we look for what annoys us about someone, we will certainly find it. What would it be like to focus on how we connect with others and what we value about them as well? What do you have in common with an individual? Perhaps you have a shared history, people you care about, hobbies or interests.

Take a multidimensional rather than unidimensional approach. It is easy to dismiss someone based on a single aspect. Our brains like to categorize things. We give something so much weight and dismiss everything else particularly when it comes to polarizing topics such as political beliefs, religion, etc. When I think about the people I am closest to in my life I focus on their qualities more than anything—are they kind, reliable, trustworthy, etc? Think about the qualities that mean most to you. How do these values and traits balance with areas in which you differ?

Avoid the “if you aren’t with me then you’re against me” mentality. Quite frankly, this is a dangerous pattern of thinking. We need those we trust to be able to disagree with us or offer an alternative perspective. We need to be able to return the favor to those we care about. We can get tunnel vision, especially about highly emotional topics. Offering an alternative perspective to someone can be the biggest form of support at times. We aren’t doing ourselves any favors by surrounding ourselves with only those who agree with us. That’s what dictators do.

Recognize it’s okay to disagree. We don’t have to live in a world where we are the same as each other. How boring would that be? We don’t need to persuade others to agree with our opinion on everything and vice versa. Alternatively, focus on understanding each other. Taking away the condition that we must agree on everything makes space for mutual respect and empathy.

Examining and potentially letting go of some of the conditions we put on our relationships with others can feel a little scary at first. If we allow ourselves to see others more fully and appreciate all of their positive qualities rather than dismissing them based on a few differences, we give ourselves the opportunity for deeper and more meaningful connections with others.

If you enjoy Mental Tune-Ups, please let others in your community know. Mental Tune-Ups is public so please share if you think someone else may benefit from reading it. All are welcome! If you haven’t subscribed yet, it’s easy and free! Posts will go straight to your Substack app or email inbox.