Giving the Gift of Our Attention
Have you ever had a conversation with someone you recognize didn’t process a word you said? Perhaps they are constantly getting distracted by their phone or a TV show and notice yourself feeling dismissed and frustrated. It doesn’t feel good to be on the receiving end of someone not fully attending to us. The truth is, we have all been guilty of not fully engaging in conversations or activities and allowing ourselves to be distracted. Being fully present and attentive takes a lot of energy and is an investment. However if we are intentional about being present and attentive, it is the gift that keeps on giving all year round (much like the Jelly of the Month Club in the movie Christmas Vacation). The holiday season is a great time to practice being intentional in giving our attention since many of us are spending time with loved ones and engaging in special activities. This week I’ll talk about the importance of giving our attention to those we care about and tips for reducing distraction.
The science behind attention
In this specific context, when I talk about giving our attention I am focusing on connecting with others. Yes, we can give attention to many things, but I want to be specific in this post about interacting with others. Connection is vital for humans, particularly in romantic relationships. Research by relationship expert Dr. John Gottman has shown that a key factor in whether or not couples stay together is the frequency with which they turn toward each other when the other partner attempts to connect. In other words, giving our attention when our partner needs it is a key component to a healthy relationship. This does not have to be a grand gesture, rather it’s made up of many smaller interactions throughout the day, week, or month. Responding to the simple bids for connection is important. Responding to “hey I read an interesting story in the news”, a simple text, or noticing they had a challenging day and offering support is an important investment in the relationship. We have the option to tune in and turn toward our partner in these everyday moments or we can choose to ignore or actively turn away. As you might imagine, ignoring and turning away leads to feelings of rejection and hurt.
While this is true for couples, attention and turning toward other significant people in our lives is also important. If a child makes a bid for connection to a parent or a friend or loved one reaches out, the pattern is the same. In order to build strong and meaningful relationships we must engage rather than turn away from those around us. This is not always easy. We only have so much time and attention to give. This is why it’s important to make small moments count. Being responsive is key. If it isn’t possible to engage immediately it’s okay. However we can acknowledge the request for connection and let our loved one know they are important and we will engage as soon as it is possible.
During the holiday season, we have the opportunity to spend time with family and friends. Some of my favorite holiday memories are related to experiences rather than gifts I have received. Several years ago we went on a family vacation to celebrate a milestone anniversary for my parents. My parents took my husband and I and my three brothers to Australia during the holidays. Rather than exchange gifts, we spent two weeks together exploring and spending time together. This was special since most of us lived in different states at the time. We still laugh about our adventures and mishaps. We didn’t have many distractions there and we were often fully present. To this day I will suggest experiences rather than gifts if possible. I generally prefer having a nice dinner with friends over leaving a gift on their doorstep. The gift of time and attention is precious.
TIPS for enhancing connection during the holidays:
Find things you can meaningfully engage in with others. When I think about spending time with kiddos I think about playing games, baking goodies, watching a favorite movie. Engage in conversation and be present in this shared experience. Every year will be different as they grow and change. The same is true for friends and family. Find activies that promote conversation and sharing—games, dinners, etc.
Limit the photos. Yes, it’s important to capture special moments, but sometimes we can live our lives through the camera on our smartphones. We can’t be fully present while taking photos. Connection means eye contact and active listening rather than smiling for the camera and posing. I’m guilty of the other extreme…I usually forget to take photos. Try to find a balance—take a few photos and then engage fully (I will be practicing this!). Those memories will last longer and be more meaningful.
We can be responsive without immediately engaging fully. Sometimes we simply can’t give our full attention when it is requested. That’s okay! We can still be responsive. Simply acknowledging the request and letting the other person know when we can give them our attention is all that is needed. Some examples include: “I want to have this conversation but I am in the middle of a work commitment. Can we talk about it later today?” or “I would love to play a game with you but I can’t right now. Can we make a date for it tomorrow afternoon?”. Being realistic about your availability and following through is key.
Stay in the present. When we are engaging with someone, we can get distracted. It’s not unusual for our minds to wander, particularly if we are in a period of high stress. This is a larger topic to address, however a good place to start is to set the intention to focus on the present. When we are actively engaged in a conversation or activity it’s hard for our brain to multi-task too much. If you find your thoughts wandering, notice it and redirect them to the present. It can also be helpful to allow yourself to take a break from your thoughts to engage in an activity. For instance, I may say something to myself like: “Kim, you have a lot to do in the next week, however nothing can be accomplished tonight. You can take a break from thinking about for the next 2 hours while you are having dinner with friends. Those things will be waiting for you tomorrow morning when you can actually address them.” Sometimes giving ourselves permission to switch gears can be a powerful tool in practicing intention.
Think of how good it feels when those you care about respond and engage with you when you need it. This is a gift we can give others and ourselves as well. Don’t forget to be responsive to your own needs as well. We can’t show up for others if we are depleted ourselves. If you notice you need a break or some downtime, be responsive or ask others for their help and support. Attention is a two-way street.
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