Grand Gestures or Simple Moments: Which Contributes Most to Happily Ever After?
Grand Gestures or Simple Moments: Which Contributes Most to Happily Ever After?
Of all the holidays, Valentine’s Day seems to receive the most mixed reactions. Some love it, others hate it, and some are flat out indifferent. Whether you are Team Valentine’s Day or wish you could skip it all together, I thought it fitting to use this post to talk about what research suggests contributes to long term satisfaction in romantic relationships.
When we think about Valentine’s Day, we think of romance. Flowers, hearts, gifts of affection and expressions of love. Romantic comedies are streaming on Hulu and Netflix in full force. These stories of happily ever after are designed to make our hearts melt and believe love conquers all. Funny how most of these movies end when the relationship is just beginning. We get to see two people fall in love, but we don’t get to watch how they stay in love. We don’t see the day to day, year after year, greatest joys and painful hardships--when the reality of life hits (or in more crude terms, when the proverbial shit gets real).
Make no mistake, I personally love grand gestures and I’m not advocating doing away with them. They are romantic, exciting, and (yep, you guessed it) really challenging to pull off. It isn’t reasonable to think they will happen often, and in all fairness, they wouldn’t feel so “grand” if they did. It turns out that grand gestures aren’t the keys to a lasting relationship. It’s the small everyday moments that matter most. Studies conducted by John Gottman and his colleagues at the University of Washington have taught us a lot about why marriages succeed and others fail. In fact, based on decades of research, Dr. Gottman can predict whether couples will divorce with 91% accuracy based on watching them interact for a very short period of time. There are specific qualities he has identified in terms of what creates a lasting relationship. So today we will focus on one of them--the importance of the simple moments.
Simple moments and exchanges create a connection and nurtures your friendship. These exchanges are small moments, but they accumulate. Noticing what your partner needs or wants, and being responsive will strengthen your friendship. For instance, your partner may be in the midst of a busy week and you take over something on their to-do list. You are going through a stressful time and your partner offers words of support. You mention a podcast you enjoyed and your partner asks more about it. Notice that most of these examples are quick, proactive in nature, and practical. They aren’t romantic gestures that sweep you off your feet, but they mean a lot and the add up. Imagine if the opposite happened…during a busy week there is no help with the to do list, no acknowledgement of stress or words of support, sharing a podcast you enjoyed falls on deaf ears. Even if a grand gesture happens on Valentine’s Day or on an anniversary it doesn’t compensate for feeling disconnected on a daily basis.
Examples of using simple moments to enhance connection:
1. Check in! We all have busy days and it’s nice to let your partner know you are thinking of them. Shoot a text to let them know they are on your mind. No one likes to feel out of sight and out of mind.
2. Respond. This may sound simple, but it can easily get ignored. Notice if you engage when your partner makes a comment or observation. Do you take an interest or give a brief “uh huh” and move on? Think about the rule of improv comedy. When someone makes a statement, the response is “Yes AND…” with the goal of adding and keeping the story moving forward. The same can be true of interactions with your partner when they share a story from their day or an idea they have. Actively participating in the conversation makes our partner feel heard and more connected.
3. Tune In vs. Tune Out. When your partner is having a rough day or struggling, show you care. It’s not your job to fix it, but you can listen, validate your partner’s feelings and offer your support. Do you move toward your partner or retreat? Even if you don’t know what to say, it’s okay. Being present is key.
4. Acknowledge Effort. This can be tricky. When your partner reaches out, acknowledge it! It is very easy to let your partner know when they do something wrong, but we are less apt to point out what they do right.
On a personal note…
I don’t want to make it seem that these simple moments can’t leave a lasting impression. They actually do. For example, I recall a time when we had company in town and were preparing to leave town. As with any departure, things were a bit hectic. My husband was packing up the car and I left (on foot) to run a quick errand a few blocks away. I was suddenly caught in a torrential rainstorm. I was too far to turn back, so I accepted the fact I would get drenched and pressed on. As I picked up my items and started to head home, I noticed my husband waiting in the parking lot in our dry and warm car. He noticed the rain, anticipated I needed help, and responded. This act of kindness happened a few years ago, yet I still remember it and what it meant to me (even though he may have long forgotten).
The simple moments or kind gestures may not be the most glamorous or movie worthy, but they are what bring true connection. There is certainly a time and place for a romantic grand gesture, however positive daily exchanges build a strong foundation that make subsequent challenges more manageable.
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