Guilt and Shame are Not the Same
How understanding the difference is important for mental health and well-being.
Yes, I know guilt and shame are not the most lighthearted, feel good topics. Nevertheless, the more we understand how to deal with these challenging emotions the less power they hold over us. Whenever I bring up the topic of guilt and shame, I see uneasiness wash over the person in front of me. Both of these words seem to trigger discomfort and rightfully so. Neither of them are pleasant emotions, however we all experience them. The trouble is, many people see guilt and shame as being the same, however they are very different. Understanding the difference between them and how each impacts us is key to our sense of self worth.
Guilt is feeling badly about something we did, while shame is feeling badly about who we are. Why is this such an important distinction? We can take action to rectify a behavior or something we feel guilty about and find resolution. Shame on the other hand, reflects on how we perceive ourselves. Feeling we are bad rather than we did something bad can damage our self worth, sense of belonging, and leave us feeling alone and isolated.
Dr. Brené Brown, is a very popular author and researcher who writes about shame and vulnerability (to see her TED talk on shame click here). She is very outspoken about the difference between guilt and shame and the damaging effects of the latter. Dr. Brown suggests guilt can actually be very useful in that it helps us to learn how to modify our behavior when we have done something hurtful or wrong. While guilt doesn’t feel good or comfortable, it offers a teachable moment and provides an opportunity to correct a behavior we regret.
Shame on the other hand makes us feel inherently flawed. When we view ourselves as bad or unworthy it results in disconnection from others. It’s no surprise that shame is significantly and positively correlated to psychological problems such as depression, addictive behaviors, domestic violence, eating disorders, and others. Guilt on the other hand, does not have the same type of relationship with these constructs.
When we feel shame we tend to hide it from others for fear of judgment. If we fear we are “flawed” or “bad” it’s not something we want to show others for fear they might agree with our self assessment. Unfortunately, this perpetuates the shame cycle. The harder we try to keep shame a secret, the louder it gets.
TIPS for addressing shame
Language matters A LOT. Notice the words you choose when speaking or thinking about things you have done that you feel bad about or find upsetting. Are they describing your behavior (i.e., I feel bad about something I did) or you personally (i.e., I feel bad about who I am)? We can feel regret about something we did (guilt) however we don’t want it to morph into feeling bad about who we are (shame). This is also true in how we speak to others when addressing poor behavior, especially children. If you notice using shame language, what happens if you shift the language to focus on your behavior instead of yourself?
Notice your internal dialogue. In a previous post “what we say to ourselves matters” I talked about noticing our internal dialogue and the impact it has on us. It’s easy to notice shame in how we talk to ourselves. If we notice ourselves questioning whether we are good enough, worthy of love or other positive experiences, then shame is likely driving those thoughts. Noticing shameful thoughts gives us the opportunity to challenge them! It’s important to catch them, shift the language to focus on behavior, and remind ourselves we are worthy of love and belonging.
Talk to others. While it may feel scary and vulnerable to talk about feelings of shame, that is exactly what resolves them. Empathy is shame’s kryptonite. It’s hard to remember that we all experience shame at some point and we are not alone. Sharing what makes us feel badly about ourselves with people we love and trust allows to feel supported, connected, and a sense of belonging. It can be reassuring to know that others in our life have danced with shame as well.
Point out and correct shame talk when you hear it. When you understand the difference between guilt and shame it’s hard NOT to notice shame talk. Remember, guilt focuses on behavior (e.g., I feel bad that I hurt your feelings, I feel remorse about a mistake I made, I didn’t put enough effort into an assignment at work or school, etc.), while shame targets who we are personally and uses harsh labels and consequences (e.g., I am a terrible person, I am a failure, I am lazy, I don’t deserve good things, I’m not worthy of ____, etc.). If someone we care about expresses feelings of shame, gently reminding them that they are loved and worthy can be the ultimate form of support.
Address guilt. I recognize I focused the tips on shame, however guilt deserves attention too. If you are feeling guilt about something, how might you free yourself from feeling this way? First and foremost, acknowledging we all make mistakes and aren’t perfect is a good place to start. Taking accountability for your action and either apologizing, changing behavior or both may allow you to move forward. Finally, forgiving yourself is important.
Nothing good comes from shame. It is a formidable force that can be difficult to defeat. Noticing its presence and simply doing the opposite of what it wants is key. Shame wants us to keep it a secret. Shame wants us to withdraw from those we care about. Shame wants us to be hard on ourselves. When we find our courage and reach out to others to share our story (even though it is hard) and are compassionate with ourselves, shame loses its power.