Happy Halloween! To celebrate the day of all things spooky, I am going to talk about the energy vampires among us and how we can combat their special powers. No, this is not a post about scary blood thirsty Draculas. Rather, it’s about everyday people we encounter that have the potential to drain our mental and emotional energy. Some of us may even have an energy vampire lurking inside of us at times.
I recently discovered a television series I find incredibly entertaining. It’s a comedy called “What We Do in the Shadows.” It’s a mockumentary focusing on a group of vampires living in Staten Island, New York. One of the vampires is an energy vampire named Colin Robinson. Colin is unique in that he doesn’t drink blood rather he feeds off the mental energy of others. He does this by telling the most boring and mundane stories possible. As he does this you watch the life force get sucked out of his victim to the point of utter exhaustion (they often need to sleep after these encounters). Colin inserts himself in environments where this is easy to do and plays the role so well—boring coworker, someone who wants to speak at length at a city council meeting, a terrible waiter that tells you what you want is unavailable, the guy that shares useless facts. If there is a way to be boring, he will find it. He gets energized as others get exhausted and frustrated.
During one episode, Colin encounters a new coworker named Evie (EV-emotional vampire) who seems to be resistant to his powers. He observes her obtaining energy from their coworkers by telling them one tragic story after another. Quickly, Colin recognizes she is an emotional vampire. Instead of feeding off of frustration, Evie feeds off of pity. Evie (comically) describes one unimaginable and absurd calamity after another (my nephew was born with his eyeballs facing backwards, my dog was diagnosed with autism). She clings onto strangers with reckless abandon (no one remembers my name, I have been so lonely, can we talk more later?). Those on the receiving end of her tales of woe are quickly drained of their emotional energy and often reduced to tears.
Both Colin and Evie are exaggerated examples of experiences we may encounter in our own lives. I am guessing most of us can relate to having conversations that are a struggle to get through and prompt us to think of a quick exit strategy. People can drain us of our energy either by frustrating us or by oversharing in a way that leaves us feeling emotionally depleted. There may also be times when we emotionally deplete others. These moments aren’t usually intentional, we often don’t recognize when we are acting like energy vampires and chances are others don’t mean to do it to us either. So, how do we deal with energy vampires and reduce the likelihood of behaving like one?
TIPS to combat an energy vampire:
Notice the cues. Do you feel your eyes glazing over or the need to yawn in the middle of a conversation? Does the person you are talking with have a blank stare? When we start to feel bored or overwhelmed we check out. If you feel it coming on or you notice the person you are speaking with is struggling to focus it is a chance to check in.
Focus on having balanced conversations. Conversations that are one-sided can feel very energy vampirish. If you notice you are talking at length to someone else, take a moment to check in and engage them. If you feel like you are being held hostage in a conversation that is boring you to tears, it can help to look for an opportunity to redirect the topic. Conversations are best when they are like dancing—back and forth, lead and follow. When one person takes over for too long, a conversation can quickly feel like a one-person show.
Give feedback. Depending on how well you know the other person, this may be an option. My husband and I have a line from a movie we use which acts as a cue “have you been talking to me this whole time?” This quickly conveys the message that we are checking out and the other person has been going on about a topic for a while. Now, that would not be appropriate with someone we don’t know as well. It can be useful to give warm and constructive feedback if a pattern develops with someone. For instance, “Lately I have noticed that our conversations have been a bit one sided. I value the time we spend together, however it would mean a lot to me if our conversations were more reciprocal.”
Set boundaries. There may be certain individuals that deplete us and aren’t responsive to redirects or feedback. It’s okay to know your boundaries and set some limits to how much time you interact with them. You may find that some settings are better suited to interacting with these individuals. For instance group settings instead of one-on-one time might feel more enjoyable.
Self awareness. As I mentioned earlier, we all have the capacity to be energy vampires. If you find yourself talking for a while and others are yawning, figitting or zoning out, chance are your energy vampire may be lurking. Be mindful of the balance in your interactions with others. If you notice you are in charge of the conversation the majority of the time, try to let others guide the discussion for a bit. It’s important to share your life and also show interest in others and things they enjoy.
It is always helpful to remember most of us don’t intend to be energy vampires, so try to give others the benefit of the doubt and be compassionate with yourself. We all have passions that others may not share with us or find interesting. We all have bad days and difficult moments and we may need to talk to a friend about it. These are moments to lend support and listen. However, patterns of imbalance can lead to emotional depletion and can become problematic over time.
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