Healing from Emotional Injuries
Letting go of having to know why something happened in order to heal and move forward
We have all suffered physical and emotional pain or injury. Both can leave scars but while physical injuries heal naturally, emotional injuries can sometimes take a long time to heal. What is important is how we heal from emotional injuries. The brain plays an important role in this process. One of its main functions is to protect us from harm and provide self preservation. After we sustain physical injury, our brain will protect our body from further harm. However, our brain doesn’t always know when we have healed and when it is safe to resume normal activities.
The same can be true for emotional injuries. When we have been significantly hurt it can be challenging to allow ourselves to trust or be vulnerable again. However it’s important to allow ourselves to heal and connect with others. I’ll explain what I mean.
A few years ago I had knee surgery. It was relatively minor in the world of knee surgeries, however it required physical therapy and rehab. I was making progress, however I continued to struggle with going down stairs. When I attempted descending stairs, my leg would stop as if it wasn’t under my control. It was like someone put the brakes on and I came to a screeching halt. I ended up descending one foot at a time (much like a small child/toddler) rather than walking down normally. When I talked to my physical therapist about this, she knew exactly what the problem was. She explained that my brain simply didn’t trust my knee yet. My knee had healed and was physically capable of bending and walking down stairs normally, however my brain continued to protect it because it didn’t know that. My assignment was to teach my brain to get comfortable with stairs. I had to practice and after a few rounds, no more automatic braking. My muscle memory returned and I was able to walk down stairs normally.
While this was a very strange experience for me and I felt very disconnected from what was going on in my body, it served a purpose. Our brain intervenes at times when we are injured to protect us from further damaging ourselves. When we hurt a knee or shoulder, the surrounding muscles automatically shut down to prevent movement and immobilize the injured joint. This is useful in the moment, however our brain doesn’t always know when we are safe to operate and return to normal. We need to build trust and confidence within ourselves before we function normally. The same pattern can happen when we sustain emotional injuries.
When we have been deeply wounded by someone we care about (romantic partner, friend, or family member) it is hard to trust again—either someone else or ourselves. Emotional pain runs deep and can scar us. When we get hurt deeply, it can be hard to find the courage to be vulnerable which can lead to closing ourselves off in an attempt to protect ourselves from ever being hurt again. We question and often blame ourselves by asking, '“How did I not see it? How did I let it happen? I thought I knew that person, how could I be so wrong?”. This cycle of self blame makes it harder to trust ourselves in the future. It gives us the false impression that we somehow can control others’ behaviors or the situation.
While our intention is to protect ourselves, these types of actions have the opposite outcome and can leave us feeling alone, isolated, and unhappy. When we suffer an emotional injury it is just as important to make sure we stop exposing ourselves to damaging behavior and also focus on healing and “rehab” in the same way we would care for a physical injury.
TIPS for healing from emotional injuries:
Be intentional about not permanently shutting down. Giving yourself some time to heal is important, however we don’t want to permanently lose trust in ourselves or others. Notice if this comes up for you and be intentional about not going down that road. It may be necessary to let go of a problematic and dysfunctional relationship or person in your life or even a family system that perpetuates dysfunction. However, we want to create space for healthy relationships with others to grow in the future.
Let go of having to know “why”. Sometimes we have a clear understanding of what led to getting hurt and other times we don’t. We often crave an explanation when bad things happen or others cause pain however we don’t always get it. Sometimes people who harm others are incapable of changing or they like to find scapegoats. Further, if we have been hurt by someone else, knowing why they did it doesn’t alleviate the pain we experience. We can’t make sense out of things that don’t make sense (It may be helpful to read that sentence again..it’s important). We don’t have to know why something happened in order to heal and move forward.
Let go of self blame. Connecting to others and allowing yourself to be vulnerable is not a bad thing. It’s actually a good thing that takes a lot of courage. Sometimes people hurt us whether it’s intentional or not. Try to be balanced in your assessment of responsibility. Perhaps there doesn’t need to be blame at all. Perhaps you made some mistakes or someone wronged you or both. If you have some responsibility, focus on being accountable, focus on behavior (I did something bad vs. I am a bad person), and forgiving yourself. If someone else wronged you, you don’t have to carry the burden of their actions. You are not responsible for other people’s behavior. They are.
Allow yourself to hurt and heal. It can be very painful to let go of a problematic relationship, suffer rejection, or experience emotional trauma. Saying “I’ll never do that again” and going into protection mode only punishes you. We instinctively want to protect ourselves, however we need to be careful how we go about doing it. Making ourselves or our world permanently smaller isn’t helpful. Allow yourself to experience the pain you are feeling rather than trying to push it away or finding ways to numb yourself. Focus on healthy coping strategies such as talking about it with loved ones or a professional, exercise, or practicing mindfulness.
Focus on resilience. If you get hurt you will recover. It may not feel that way at first, but over time we heal. Adversity and struggle, while unpleasant, creates opportunity for growth. Gently remind yourself the pain is temporary—it won’t last forever and the intensity will lessen.
Build trust with others over time. It’s okay to be tentative trusting others after experiencing a painful emotional trauma. However, we can allow ourselves to learn from the experience and make adjustments if warranted. Perhaps you feel more tentative being vulnerable in relationships. If so, allow trust to build over time. Take note of what makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable in relationships with others and look for those indicators. Use it as a gauge to increase or decrease the amount of trust and vulnerability you are willing to commit.
When we suffer emotional pain or loss, it’s important to remember we are not alone and it is a common human experience. We all have suffered hurt or will at some point, however we also heal. Even though it can feel safe to go into permanent emotional protection mode, withdrawal and isolation are not helpful. We benefit from allowing ourselves to build meaningful connections with others even though it can feel scary. It’s okay to be cautious and build trust with others over time. We deserve happiness and if we don’t allow ourselves the chance to find it we are the ones who miss out.