Letting Go of Conditions We Place on Happiness
MTU Happiness Challenge: The Trap of If-Then Statements
During the MTU Happiness Challenge, we will explore strategies to add such as focusing on gratitude daily as well as examining letting go of traps that get in the way of happiness. This week we focus on exploring conditions we place on happiness. Often we believe that if certain things happen to us it will increase our happiness. For example, some common conditions we put on happiness often include the infamous IF-THEN statement:
If I made more money, then I would be happy.
If I lost weight, then I would be happy.
If I was in a relationship, then I would be happy.
If I had a better job, then I would be happy.
If I _____, then I would be happy.
What conditions for happiness do you put on yourself?
Many of the things we believe will make us happier actually don’t lead to life changing, long lasting happiness. They may give us a slight boost but it is usually temporary and not sustained. Conditions we place on happiness are a small part of a bigger picture. Often once we get what we hope for, we either move onto the next thing or we can come to the realization that what we hoped for wasn’t everything we built it up to be. We sometimes romanticize things rather than see their whole picture. For instance, let’s say that your IF-THEN statement is that if you were in a relationship then you would be happy. A new relationship may bring happiness, however it may also bring challenges. Many people in relationships have low levels of happiness, and many single people have high levels of happiness. Hence, our happiness doesn’t hinge on one variable in our lives.
Our lives are complex and consist of both joys and challenges. Even if we get the new job, make more money, have a better relationship, are in the best shape of our lives, and so on, challenges will continue to present themselves. Life doesn’t have to be perfect in order for us to allow ourselves to be happy. As the late singer Nightbirde said, “You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy.” Nightbirde auditioned for the television show America’s Got Talent by singing her original song about her journey with stage four cancer. See her moving story and performance here. Putting conditions on happiness works in opposition to focusing on gratitude which I discussed last week. Focusing our attention on what we feel our lives are missing rather than what we have, takes away from the joy we can experience even when there are hardships in our life.
TIPS for Daily Practice:
Notice what conditions you put on your happiness. These may be subtle, so it may take some checking in with the thoughts you have. Is happiness dependent on something happening in the future? How does this impact your ability to practice gratitude?
Challenge the condition. Do these things HAVE to happen in order to be happy or can you be happy and still want those things in the future? What makes that condition so relevant to happiness? What are your expectations? Are they realistic?
Reframe conditions for happiness. Gently remind yourself that life doesn’t need to be perfect before you can be happy. It is okay to give yourself permission to be happy even if there are things about your life you want to change. All of us are a work in progress and being happy can be part of the journey rather than a prize at the finish line.