Letting Go of Control

The benefits of loosening our grip

Life can bring uncertainty and chaos at times. Situations or people that are unpredictable are uncomfortable and this can result in feeling increased stress or anxiety. This can result in feeling the need to bring predictability and stability back into our lives. We often do so by seeking order (e.g., organizing, making to-do lists, etc.), taking charge of projects or responsibilities, or focusing on managing aspects of others’ lives (e.g., kids, spouse, family member, etc.). Does any of that sound familiar?

Uncertainty can make us crave control. Control can feel safe and comforting, but in reality, it is complicated. This week we are exploring how we use control during times of stress and how it can be counterproductive.

If you have ever ridden a horse (or seen someone else do it), you know one of the ways the rider communicates with the horse is by using the reins. We ask the horse to move left or right by pulling the reins in each direction. If we want the horse to stop, we pull back on the reins. Riders who feel uncomfortable on the horse tend to grip the reins tightly. The more anxious they become, the greater their tendency to pull back on the reins. This creates discomfort for the horse and results in the horse moving backwards instead of stopping or worse, rearing up. You can imagine this only increases the anxiety of the rider. If the rider relaxed and slightly loosened their grip, both they and the horse would be in a much better place. During times of stress we can also find ourselves in a place where we grip too tightly trying to control the world around us. Sometimes we simply need to loosen our grip in order to feel better.

This doesn’t mean throwing our hands up in the air and giving up entirely. It means finding a balance between the responsibilities we want or need to own and those we don’t. In the short term seeking control may feel comforting, however over time, patterns can develop that aren’t helpful. Some examples include feeling burdened by increased responsibility, not allowing others to help us, strained relationships, and increased stress. No one sets out to be a control freak, yet over time, the desire for control and the perceived safety it offers, can bleed into several areas of life. When we continually focus on tightening our grip with the hope of making life more predictable we actually make life more stressful—the exact opposite of the original intention.

So what things can we let go of and stop trying to control? In short, the things that don’t serve us. Some examples include micromanaging others or situations and trying to control things that can’t be controlled. We have all witnessed the irate traveler yelling at the airline representative when their flight has been cancelled due to weather with the intention of somehow changing the situation. Finding balance between what we can control and what we can’t is important. We need to know the difference, however it’s easy to get in a pattern of control seeking and we forget to assess if we actually want responsibility for a given task or situation. We get into trouble when we try to control the things we can’t or don’t need to.

TIPS for letting go of control:

1. Acknowledge what you can’t change or influence. Allowing yourself to focus on situations or areas of your life you can positively engage with versus those you can’t can be helpful and freeing. For example, if you are selling your home you have control over pricing it properly, staging it well, and making it look beautiful. You don’t have control over how quickly it will sell or market conditions. Focus your energy on what you can impact versus what you can’t.

2. Check in about how control makes you feel. What feelings does controlling different situations bring up for you? Is it increasing or deceasing your stress level? Sometimes controlling things can be counterintuitive—we think it will make us feel better when in fact, it doesn’t. Can you let go of trying to control situations that increase your stress level?

3. Notice if need for control is impacting your relationships with others. Trying to control others in our life can lead us to dangerous and unproductive territory. There is a difference between being helpful and micromanaging others. When we overstep our bounds by trying to make decisions for those around us it can erode relationships. It’s important to focus on our own behavior and allow others to be responsible for their behavior as well (even if we don’t agree with their choices).

4. Are you doing everything yourself or allowing others to help? Notice if you struggle delegating tasks to others. Sometimes we can get into a cycle of doing everything ourselves because we like it a certain way or we feel it’s easier and more efficient. Over time this can create an overwhelming mountain of tasks and responsibilities. Letting others help us is a wonderful gift we can give to ourselves.

5. Focus on trust. Learning to trust can help us let go of our quest for control. Trust can mean believing others can accomplish tasks and come through for us. It can also mean trusting that things will work out in the end and not everything requires our intervention to be successful. This doesn’t always mean we get the exact outcome we hoped for initially, however things have a way of working out, even when we experience disappointment during the process. For instance, maybe you didn’t get a job you applied for but a better one comes along later. Maybe you suffered a painful break-up with someone you cared for deeply, however afterward you met your life partner.

Loosening our grip on control can create space for uncertainty, but also allows unexpected and pleasant surprises. It also can free us up to focus on the situations where our impact can be most meaningful.