Social Comparison and Happiness
MTU Happiness Challenge: Letting go of living up to unrealistic standards
How often do you compare yourself to others? My guess is frequently. As humans we are social creatures and we are wired to do it. Our normative perceptions drive much of our behavior and can serve as a reference for what is and isn’t acceptable. Based on Social Learning Theory (Bandura, 1977-see a summary here), much of what we learn starting from infancy is based on observing others—we learn by observing and imitating behavior from a very young age. Think about how you learned to tie your shoes, cook, drive a car…you watched and then practiced the behavior. As we grow we often compare ourselves to others to assess our own ability or accomplishments. While social comparison can provide informative feedback, it can become problematic if it gets out of balance—specifically when we compare ourselves to others in a way that leaves us feeling bad about ourselves. Today, in the MTU Happiness Series, I explore the ways we compare ourselves to others and how letting go of problematic patterns of social comparison can allow us to be happier.
Based on Social Comparison Theory (Festinger, 1954), we compare ourselves to others in three ways:
Upward comparison. Comparing ourselves with those who we deem to be better at something or more accomplished than ourselves.
Downward comparison. Comparing ourselves with those who we feel are less accomplished or not as good at something as ourselves.
Lateral comparison. Comparing ourselves with those we deem as similar or fairly equal matches to ourselves.
In reality, we are surrounded by these types of comparisons. For example, if you are a competitive runner, unless you hold a world record, there will always be someone who is faster than you. There are also many runners who are slower than you, and several that run a similar pace. This example translates to other areas of life such as relationships, career, parenting, body image, etc. However, if we are balanced in our use of social comparison then it can be a useful and accurate gauge of our abilities. Research shows that happier individuals tend to focus on downward comparisons more frequently while unhappy people focus more on upward comparisons. When we fall into a pattern of primarily engaging in upward comparison, it can lead to feeling like we aren’t good enough and deplete our self-esteem and overall well-being. Unfortunately, upward comparison is an easy trap to fall into, particularly in a world filled with social media.
Social media can be a wonderful tool and resource, however it can also create an environment for unhealthy social comparisons. Social media offers a very limited view of individuals’ experiences and life. We see posts of vacations, smiling children/families, accomplishments, and celebrations. These are all wonderful moments that we want to share. What we don’t see are the challenges, everyday routines of life, and hardships. It can be easy to forget that everyone has those experiences too. The exist, however others usually don’t advertise them. This is true in the real world beyond social media as well. We see what people are willing to share with us. What is interesting is how our mood influences the way these posts and interactions make us feel about ourselves. When we are struggling or unhappy, and people put their best self forward, it becomes easy to engage in upward social comparison. We feel like others are doing better than us, we are somehow not good enough, and forget that everyone is dealing with their own struggles too. However, when we feel happy, we are less prone to be negatively impacted from others’ positive experiences. So, what are some ways to let go of problematic social comparison?
Tips
Observe. Notice how you feel and respond when you see posts on social media or when others share good news with you. How does it impact you? Does this news make you feel negatively about yourself or less than in some way? What thoughts or expectations about yourself come up for you?
Recognize others’ experiences are not a reflection on you. We all move through life at different paces. We have different experiences, challenges, and goals. It can be easy to feel pressure to do things because many of those around you are. For instance, there are windows of life where people go to college, start getting married, having children, etc. Conventional timelines or life experiences may not always fit for you and that is okay. Focus on your personal values and goals and how you want to accomplish them.
Remind yourself you don’t know what is going on “behind the scenes”. We all face struggles and hardships, no one is immune. When we see spouses and families smiling happily in a photo, it doesn’t mean they don’t have arguments or struggles. What we see on social media is merely a snapshot in time. We all have good times and it’s okay to share and celebrate them.
Focus on other types of social comparison. We tend to have very selective attention and our brain gets in to patterns of looking for the same thing. Look for examples of other types of social comparison such as those who are similar to you or those who may be dealing with more challenges along with you. I want to encourage doing this compassionately rather than competitively. It isn’t helpful to try to be better than others, rather it can give us perspective that our situation isn’t as bad as it sometimes appears to be.
Connect authentically with others. Focus on connecting with trusted friends and loved ones with whom you can share the ups AND downs of life. Simply put, as social beings we need connection and support. It also can be helpful to provide support to others. Having connection and conversations with loved ones helps us see a more accurate picture of life and others’ experience.
Take a break. If social media becomes too triggering for problematic social comparison, it is often helpful to take a vacation from it. Focus on giving yourself a two week break and notice how you feel. It can serve as a reset or perhaps if you are going through a particularly difficult time in your life it may be useful to resume social media once it has passed. You may also find you prefer limited exposure to it or not using it at all. I often use this exercise in my clinical practice and it makes a very big impact.
Letting go of upward social comparison is a wonderful gift we can give to ourselves. It allows us to enjoy our own life and experiences more fully. When we spend our time focusing on how we compare to others it prevents us from being present in our life and minimizes our joy. Shifting away from social comparison takes practice, however it’s well worth the effort.