Surviving Family Gatherings During the Holidays

'Tis the season for uncomfortable dinner conversations

The holidays are upon us. Thanksgiving kicks off the season of family visits and gatherings here in the States which can be met with mixed emotions. While the holidays can bring joy and an opportunity for connecting with loved ones, they can also be filled with stress and uncomfortable family interactions. It’s not uncommon to feel a little angst about topics of conversation that may arise during a holiday dinner or having to interact with certain relatives you aren’t eager to see. Today I’ll offer tips for surviving awkward family gatherings during the holidays.

Let’s start out with a little bit of humor to help us cope…

One of my favorite skits from a 2015 episode of Saturday Night Live entitled “A Thanksgiving Miracle” captures the theme of this post perfectly (click on link to watch—I highly recommend it!). If you haven’t seen it, an extended family is enjoying Thanksgiving dinner when aunts and grandparents make divisive and insensitive comments that immediately trigger reactions and start arguments. One of the children at the table gets fed up and starts playing the Adele song “Hello”. This immediately results in the entire family pausing mid fight and singing the song rather than arguing. Thus, their love for the Adele song was the one thing they could agree on and what ultimately unites them. It basically saves their Thanksgiving. Clearly my summary of the skit is not nearly has funny or entertaining as the skit itself so please watch if you can.

This isn’t much different from many family gatherings during the holidays. The larger the family, the more likely it is there will be differences in opinions and beliefs. Since we don’t get to choose our family, there may be people who have different values from ours and we would not choose as friends. These gatherings can become a breeding ground for discussing the most polarizing topics. This usually does not end well. Let’s not forget that we can be easily triggered by family members. Relatives say or do things in a way that can irritate us whether they intend to or not. So, let’s talk about some strategies to make spending time with family enjoyable instead of aggravating.

Tips for surviving holiday family gatherings:

1. Stick to topics that unite rather than divide. Avoid discussions about divisive topics (e.g., politics, religion, etc.) and focus on things that unite you. Some of these might include sharing parts of your life—accomplishments you are proud of, what your family has been doing, travel, hobbies, etc. Ask your loved ones these types of questions as well. Reminisce about fond memories you share about the past or other family members.

2. Have an exit strategy. If uncomfortable topics get brought up it is okay not to engage. This can be done in a few ways. You may state the topic makes you uncomfortable and request everyone agree to stick with more pleasant conversation, not participate in the conversation, or leave the room and create physical distance. Every family is different so navigate this in a way that is most comfortable. It can also be helpful to take a break and reset. If all else fails, head to the bathroom and give yourself a little pep talk.

3. Be proactive and prepared. It can be helpful to proactively request certain topics be off-limits before family gatherings. This may be especially useful for larger families with a lot of different viewpoints amongst members. If your family has a history of getting derailed by arguments during the holidays everyone may agree that it is best to avoid certain conversations. Some families have an easier time with this than others. It also helps to mentally prepare yourself if you expect potential conflict. Remember to focus on what you can control instead of what you can’t. You can’t control others’ behavior, but you can control how you respond to it. Focus on being kind, direct, and intentional when needed.

4. Focus your attention on the people you want to see rather than the ones you don’t. Let’s be honest, we may enjoy the company of some family members more than others. Instead of getting triggered and irritated by the family members we struggle with, it makes sense to focus our attention on spending time with the family members we look forward to seeing most. In the big scheme of things, a holiday gathering only lasts for a short time. What are the positives you can focus on?

5. Honor the holidays in a way you love. The holidays don’t need to be exclusively about family. There is a reason many people enjoy holiday gatherings with friends. Make it a point to celebrate the holidays with people in your life you enjoy spending time with outside of your family too. Create your own traditions with your immediate family (those who live with you) or close friends that you can celebrate and look forward to each year.

The holidays are a special time of year we don’t want to associate with difficult interactions. Focus on creating positive moments and avoiding the minefield of challenging family dynamics. If all else fails, have an Adele song cued up on your playlist.

Happy Thanksgiving to those celebrating in the US. Wishing you all a restful holiday. I will be taking a break next week but will have new Mental Tune-Ups in December.

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