The Power of “YOU” Language
How our choice of language can (quickly) reduce distress
This week I am reposting (with some new additions) a post from about 18 months ago. Many of you have joined since this post and haven’t seen it. For those of you who have read it, it might be nice to have a refresher. I think it is a useful strategy that I use myself and recommend to others.
In previous posts, I wrote about noticing your internal dialogue and recognizing moments when our internal coach and critic emerged. We are much better off when we coach ourselves instead of criticize, so this post focuses on ways to strengthen our ability to coach ourselves by using the power of language. This is one of my favorite tools for dealing with distress. It’s simple and is easy to use in difficult moments. Three simple letters can have a powerful impact on our emotional state: Y-O-U. Addressing ourselves in the second person (“you”) rather than in the first person (“I”) can reduce distress, enhance performance, and help us self-regulate. Even better, using “you” can have an immediate effect on our brains, particularly in times of distress.
Studies show the words we use are associated with our emotional state. The use of “I” language is positively associated with negative emotional states (e.g., anxiety, sadness, etc.). However, addressing ourselves in the second person can be helpful in reducing distress and enhancing our performance. Research found that individuals who are asked to use “you” language perform significantly better on problem solving tasks compared to those who are asked to use “I” language. Further, using “you” instead of “I” is related to more positive attitudes toward doing tasks. This also translates to activities such as exercise—when we use “you” language we are more likely to feel more positive about exercising and are more likely to do it. The simple use of a pronoun can positively influence our attitudes and behaviors.
How does the use of “you” help us in moments of distress?
Our harsh inner dialogue tends to emerge most during moments of heightened distress or anxiety. When we are upset, our emotions rise and we often perceive the situation as a threat which evokes our fight or flight response. During these moments, the emotional areas of our brain become more dominant and our rational/cognitive areas are minimized. This balance does not lead to good decision making or productive problem solving. We often feel unable to manage our emotions when distress arises. However, shifting our language to the second person allows us to engage the rational areas of our brain, calm the emotional areas, and create the balance we need. Research examined the impact of “you” language on emotional distress by measuring brain activity. The study found that participants who were assigned to address themselves in the second person showed less emotional activity in response to distressing cues compared to those who addressed themselves in the first person. The decrease in emotional activity happened in as little as 1 second…imagine that! The shift allows our brain to see a distressing situation as a challenge instead of a direct threat and change the course of our emotional state. Challenges are much more approachable than threats and our fight or flight response is no longer necessary. Keeping our emotions manageable allows us to think more clearly, problem solve, and perform tasks more effectively. Simply switching our pronoun to “you” when we engage our internal dialogue seems shockingly simple, yet research shows it’s effective. Not only does it help reduce distress, it can enhance our performance even on tasks such as public speaking.
TIPS for adjusting our language to reduce distress:
Notice your internal dialogue. Do you notice yourself saying “I” or “you”? Pay close attention during times of increased distress. We often tell ourselves “I can’t do this”, “I’m so upset”, “what is wrong with me?”, etc. “I” language is not helpful and worsens distress.
Intentionally address yourself in the second person. The second person means calling yourself by name and using “you”. For example, if I am cycling and in the middle of a tough climb, I may notice anxiety and doubt creep into my brain (also the fear of coming to a complete stop and toppling over on my bike). In these moments, I simply think to myself: “Kim, you are okay and you’re doing fine. You will make it to the top, just pace yourself and keep pedaling.” This may seem odd if you aren’t used to doing it, but give it a try. Imagine what you might say to a friend or loved one. The more you practice, the more comfortable it feels.
Practice during moments of calm. Trying something new isn’t easy during moments of distress. Intentionally practice using “you” during calm moments or when you want to enhance your behavior (remember the study showing “you” language increases intentions to exercise). Once you get in the habit of using “you” it will come much easier in difficult moments. It can also help to plan a “you” statement in advance to use when you need it most—like a mantra.
Share this strategy with others. I have shared this tool with others and in doing so, they have helped me remember to use it during my moments of struggle. For example, I was paddle boarding with my sister-in-law, Heather, when I hit some rough water and felt off balance. This immediately made me feel anxious. When I expressed my discomfort, Heather quickly responded with “Kimmy, use YOU language!!!” Guess what, it helped! Sometimes we all need reminders to use our own tools.
As I mentioned, this is one of my favorite tools. I use it, I recommend it to my clients, family and friends. I hope you find it useful and if you think this would be helpful to someone else, pass it along!
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References/Resources:
Dolcos, S., & Albarracin, D. (2014). The inner speech of behavioral regulation: Intentions and task performance strengthen when you talk to yourself as a you. European Journal of Social Psychology, 44(6), 636-642.
Kross, E. (2021). Chatter: The Voice in Our Head, Why it Matters, and How to Harness It. First edition. Crown, New York.
Tackman, A. M., Sbarra, D. A., Carey, A. L., Donnellan, M. B., Horn, A. B., Holtzman, N. S., ... & Mehl, M. R. (2019). Depression, negative emotionality, and self-referential language: A multi-lab, multi-measure, and multi-language-task research synthesis. Journal of personality and social psychology, 116(5), 817.
Your posts always make me think about my own thinking and how to improve it, thank you. A wonderful piece.
Perfect!