Have you ever noticed how easy it is to find support for our opinions, perceptions, or even fears? We pay attention to and gravitate toward evidence that is consistent with our views. For example, if we carry the belief that the world is a scary place we will notice all of the news stories that support it. We may also dismiss all of the stories and evidence that demonstrates the world is a good and safe place. The same may be true for certain fears. Individuals who have a fear of flying are very aware of any turbulence that occurs during a flight and may jump to the conclusion that something is wrong. Our brain looks for evidence that supports our underlying beliefs even though we aren’t aware of it. When this is connected to positive healthy beliefs it can be helpful, however when it fuels negative thought patterns it spirals us deeper into a place we don’t want to be. As you might imagine, if this continues it is easy to get stuck in a cycle of negativity. So how do we reverse this cycle?
A good place to start is to pay specific attention and notice what you are looking for. For instance, when we feel like we don’t belong or aren’t accepted by others, our brain looks for validation of that belief in others’ actions. We make assumptions about their intentions and dismiss evidence that may contradict our underlying beliefs. For example, if we question how much a specific friend cares about us, and they forget to wish us happy birthday, it may be easy to see this as validation of our concerns. However, in reality there could have been several alternative explanations for the oversight. Perhaps they had an emergency, lost track of the dates, or are simply absentminded. None of these mean they don’t care about us, it simply means they have their own challenges. It can be hard to let go of the insecurity or belief that we are not valued. We have to be willing to consider that we are worthy and look for the examples of when that friend reached out in other ways. Simply put, we have to become more aware of what we are looking for rather than going on autopilot. If we shift our focus from looking for evidence that support our worst fears and start looking for evidence that supports more positive alternatives, we gain a more balanced perspective.
I recognize this is not an easy task. Most of us have very strong default patterns and this can seem daunting. One of the examples I frequently use in my practice is visualizing snow skiing through trees. Novice skiers or those who aren’t comfortable with this focus their attention on the trees. They look for the obstacles and at the objects they are trying to avoid. Alternatively, skiers who are more comfortable skiing in trees focus on the pathway through them. Rather than looking at the trees, they look for the absence of trees. They look at where they want to go rather than where they don’t want to be. When we feel like we are in a negative pattern and we want to shift to a more positive one, we have to be intentional about what we are looking for and how we engage our thoughts. Are you looking for the trees in your daily life? Are you looking for obstacles, potential problems, or what is bound to go wrong? Sometimes we get too entrenched in seeing the negative.
We may want to protect and prepare ourselves from challenges and hardships, however by focusing on the negative, we may miss out on the positive. What might it be like to also consider positive alternatives? Yes, negative outcomes exist, people will wrong us, and problems will arise. However a lot of positive things can also happen. We need to give ourselves the opportunity to experience them.
TIPS for being intentional about what we look for:
Notice what you attend to and focus on. Do you tend to notice evidence that supports negative thoughts or concerns? While we don’t want to ignore important information, we also want to make sure we aren’t being one sided. Do you dismiss evidence that supports positive beliefs?
Look for a variety of evidence. Notice your initial assessment and interpretation of a situation. Before believing it, consider other possibilities. Are there alternative explanations or ways to see the same situation? An excellent exercise consists of imagining walking down the street and seeing someone across the way that you recognize. You wave, however the person doesn’t acknowledge you and keeps walking. How might you perceive that reaction? Perhaps you perceive the person is being intentionally rude and ignoring you. Maybe they didn’t see you. Perhaps they are lost in thought or dealing with a challenging situation of their own which prevented them from noticing you. How does it differ depending on who you imagine the person to be? Notice how our pre-existing beliefs influence how we interpret events and situations. When we challenge ourselves to consider alternative explanations instead of believing our first interpretation we start to realize how many options we don’t allow ourselves to consider.
Think about possibilities instead of pitfalls. When we allow ourselves to default to negative thought patterns we limit ourselves. Sometimes we rationalize it because it can feel like we are protecting ourselves. This doesn’t serve us. It is important to focus on moving toward something we want rather than away from something we don’t. When we focus on finding support for our fears, it can make the things we want and hope for seem out of reach. Shifting our intentions to look for the things we seek (e.g., connection with others, belonging, professional accomplishments, pleasant experiences) allows us to feel more positive about our experience. Try looking for what is going right rather than what is going wrong.
When I started climbing on my bike I struggled with descents. They made me fearful and anxious. As we all know, what goes up, must come down. I was prepared for the physical toll of climbing up mountains, however I wasn’t ready for the mental challenge of getting back down. I am a cautious person and flying down a mountain on my road bike flooded me with visions the worst possible outcomes—crashes, injuries, etc. I wasn’t confident coming around tight switchbacks and felt shaky and rattled. I found myself looking for the things that could cause me to crash (the gravel on the road, getting too close to the edge of the road) and trying to avoid them. My dear friend Cory taught me how to feel more comfortable descending steep winding roads on my road bike. Cory is an experienced rider and she simply said, “look in the direction you want to go, your bike will follow your eyes”. So I tried it. Similar to finding a path through the trees, when I focused on the line I wanted to take, everything else fell into place. I looked at where I wanted to go rather than at what I was trying to avoid. Descents that used to be stressful are now enjoyable (or dare I say fun?). We can use this approach in how we experience our world and connect with others. We must look for and move toward the experiences we seek rather than trying to find those we want to avoid.
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Oh yes, I think that skiing analogy is going to stick with me. A great metaphor, applicable to so many scenarios 😃
Love these posts. The skiing analogy is great and I have never heard of this one before but can certainly see it.