Feeling stuck sucks. There are many things that can make us feel stuck—grief, health crises, addiction, relationships, depression, job dissatisfaction, anxiety, anger, and on and on. Not wanting to be where we are, but unable to find a way to get ourselves where we want to be. Maybe it’s hard to imagine what where we want to be even looks like. Maybe we feel we don’t deserve it. Maybe we can imagine it, but the challenges that lie between where we are and where we want to be seem insurmountable. We may find ways to distract ourselves from this stuck feeling-ignoring, numbing, or hoping circumstances will change in some way and free us from our stuckness. What do we do when staying where we are is no longer an option? Either the situation won’t allow it or we simply can’t tolerate another day feeling this stuck. We recognize we can’t ignore it any longer and unless we take it upon ourselves to initiate change, it isn’t going to happen. What does it mean to feel stuck and how do we get unstuck?
The movie “Touching the Void” is an amazing story of survival and a vivid illustration of stuckness and how to move through it (at least I think so—it is a book and a movie that you can find on different streaming platforms). It’s the true story of two ice climbers, Joe Simpson and Simon Yates who endure a horrific accident on a mountain in Peru. Joe and Simon successfully summited Siula Grande and were descending when Joe fell and broke his leg. Instead of giving up right there as help was days away, they managed to work out a system of Simon slowly lowering Joe with a rope tethered to himself. They successfully made it partway down the mountain while battling fatigue and dehydration, when unbeknownst to Simon, Joe had accidentally slid over a cliff. Joe was still roped to Simon and dangled for hours in freezing temperatures and howling winds. He couldn’t climb up and Simon could not pull him and worse did not know what had happened. Joe’s weight was also slowly pulling Simon closer to the edge of the cliff. The winds were howling so badly that the two could not communicate. Simon had no idea if Joe was dead or alive. He had to make the gut-wrenching decision to cut the rope with the understanding it would result in Joe’s death but save his life. The alternative was they would both die. Immediately after Simon cut the rope, Joe fell about 150 ft into a deep crevasse that was beneath him. Somehow he survived the fall and found himself precariously balanced on a ledge in the crevasse. Below him was darkness that seemed to go on forever. When he realized there was no possibility of climbing out or being found, and knowing if he stayed where he was he would surely die, he made the difficult decision to lower himself deeper into the dark crevasse searching for a different way out. Ultimately he finds one and emerges from the crevasse into the sunlight. As he celebrates his victory, he soon recognizes a lot of hard work still lies in front of him. He has miles of difficult ground to navigate before he can make it back to camp. He has a broken leg and is horribly dehydrated and hungry. He has no idea if Simon and their friend Richard will still be there when or if he finally makes it. It’s an overwhelming scenario. He recognizes his only option is to keep moving forward. So Joe decides to break the long trek into smaller 20 minute increments, getting himself from point a to b, then from point b to c, and so on. Miraculously, he makes it back to camp and ultimately recovers and climbs again.
Joe and Simon both thought they were setting out on a grand adventure. They had climbed before and while climbing is a risky sport, they never imagined something so terrible happening to them. But it did. Bad things and hardships happen to people each and every day. Sometimes abruptly (e.g., the death of a loved one, a sudden diagnosis, etc. ) and other times slowly and quietly over time (e.g., relationships that slowly worsen, depression that gradually gets worse). Sometimes the latter is trickier to deal with because it sneaks up on us and because of its insidious nature we acclimate to it and tolerate it much longer than we should. Regardless, at some point we recognize we are stuck. In those moments we have the epiphany that staying where we are is no longer sustainable. We typically resort to two options, looking backward or looking forward.
Looking toward the past and wondering how things could have been different or why we are in the place (or mess) we are in doesn’t change our current reality. This only keeps us stuck in a place we truthfully don’t want to be. The alternative option is to look forward and move toward the change you desire, as scary and uncomfortable as that may sound. Sometimes we do it alone, sometimes we do it with the support of loved ones or professionals, but the important part is we do it.
Several years ago I was thrown into a crevasse when I was diagnosed with cancer. It was abrupt and very unexpected. The more I learned about my treatment regimen the more terrified I became. The chemotherapy would make me sicker than I had ever felt in my life. The surgeries would be painful and permanently disfiguring. There wasn’t a guarantee that these efforts would save my life. At my first chemo infusion I had no idea what to expect. How sick would I feel? When would my hair fall out? How may side effects would I experience? Would the treatment destroy my ability to have children? Would the chemo kill the cancer before it destroyed my body? I had so many questions of what the future held, yet no one could give me answers. The nurse assigned to give my first infusion kindly walked me through what to expect and tried to make me as comfortable as possible. She triple checked and verified my name and birth date to be certain she wasn’t about to inject a healthy person with poison. She hung the IV bag containing my chemo cocktail and my attention was immediately captured by the skull and crossbones on the label indicating the toxic nature of the liquid about to flow directly into my veins. Every part of my being told me to run. The words get out and save yourself kept repeating in my head. I longed to go back to the previous month when I thought I was healthy and cancer was a terrible thing that happened to other people. Life was so easy then. Sure I had stress, but about work and daily hassles, not about dying. I would have given anything to go back, but it simply wasn’t possible. I had to go forward if I had any hope of surviving, even though I knew it would be hard, unpleasant, and uncertain. It took every ounce of willpower I had to sit in that hospital bed and let that nurse inject poison (albeit lifesaving poison) into my body. Over the next months and years I struggled and suffered, but most importantly I kept showing up even when I didn’t want to because it was the only way out of the crevasse. Years later, here I am. Going through that process sucked, however it changed me in many ways, all for the better.
What is your crevasse? What is the struggle that keeps you stuck? Grief, health, depression, addiction, a relationships, etc. It may be situational or a longstanding pattern. Being in a crevasse means we can no longer continue down the same path. We have hit a wall. We can’t go back the way we came and we are forced to do things differently even when they may be challenging or uncomfortable. What would it be like to go through and come out the other side? What might be waiting for you there?
Tips to get out of a crevasse (or getting unstuck):
Make the decision to move forward. Sometimes our circumstances become so untenable we are forced to choose a different path. It doesn’t mean this new direction isn’t scary or challenging. It can be hard to make this shift because even though we don’t like being where we are, we are familiar with it. There is a sense of comfort in the known. It’s easy to believe that the unknown may be worse than the current situation. As the saying goes: better the devil you know than the devil you don't. We can’t expect things to change and insist on doing things the same way we always have. If we want things to be different, we need to behave differently. We must commit to change. What do you want to move toward and what do you want to leave behind?
Own your decision. Once you make the decision, share it. Talk about with others, get the support you need from trusted loved ones, support groups, or professionals. It’s common to keep these decisions secret just in case we don’t succeed. That strategy isn’t useful because it protects the very thing keeping us stuck and removes all accountability for moving forward.
Keep showing up. Once you make the decision to move forward, the hard work begins. This isn’t surprising, it’s why it is so hard to make the decision in the first place. Navigating change, uncertainty, and discomfort is quite unpleasant and can feel overwhelming. But it is possible. It does not come quickly or easily—it must be earned. It requires you keep showing up and putting one foot in front of the other. At times it may feel like for every three steps forward you take one step backward or it feels you are moving at a snail’s pace. As long as you keep showing up and moving forward, you are making progress. In the movie Joe focuses on small goals every 20 minutes. When we break down big goals into smaller steps they become more approachable. For me, I focused on one treatment at a time. I just had to make it to the next appointment, anything more than that would have been overwhelming.
Sometimes we have to muster our courage, face our fears, and go into the darkness in order to find light. We move forward one wobbly and uncertain step at a time. Once we do, we start to find our balance and gain momentum and recognize moving forward isn’t as scary as it once seemed. We may fall into multiple crevasses in our lives, but the way out is always the same. Identify what doesn’t serve us, try a different path, and keep moving forward.
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I loved this. Never seen the movie but we all have, at times challenging circumstances to deal with and this really made me think. I realise that this must have been challenging to write such a personal piece but it has once again resonated with me. Thank you
Oh I loved that movie! I saw it many years ago but I find myself quoting it often in client sessions as it contains so many great metaphors for life and survival. My own crevasse came with infertility. The idea of the 20 minute goals and just focusing on the next right thing was hugely valuable when I couldn't see a road ahead.