What did I do to deserve this? Has this question ever come up for you in the wake of an upsetting event? It is even more common for this question to arise when we are blindsided by something that feels random and unjustified. In many cases, the answer is you did nothing to deserve what happened to you. However this answer can be dissatisfying and we find ourselves searching for meaning that isn’t always there. Sometimes bad things happen to good people, so why is it challenging for our brains to accept this?
Our brains like order and reason. Having a clear sense of cause and effect gives us a sense of predictability and control over what happens to us. We develop internal rules that guide our actions. For instance, if we are kind to others, work hard, and follow rules/laws our lives should go smoothly. In many situations this is true. For example, eating healthy and exercising lowers risk of disease. Being kind to others generally results in kindness being returned. Working hard can lead to success. While our actions can increase the likelihood of good things happening and minimize the odds of bad things happening, there isn’t a guarantee this will always be the outcome.
We see examples of unfairness happen all the time:
The young, health conscious person who gets cancer
The stellar employee who gets laid off from her job
The couple who would make wonderful parents can’t have children
A cyclist obeying all the traffic laws gets hit by a distracted driver
Sometimes we do everything right, yet setbacks and tragedies strike. We search for explanations for these random and unjust events, but there are none. When we try to infer meaning that doesn’t exist it can foster incorrect assumptions that compounds our pain. These patterns start early in life. For example, it’s not uncommon for children to feel they are the reason their parents get divorced or fear that the occurrence of a tragic event is their fault.
As part of my clinical training, I spent my internship at a major trauma hospital. I worked on a rehab unit that specialized in treating spinal cord and brain injuries. I worked with individuals who endured life changing injuries simply because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. They had done nothing wrong, they certainly didn’t deserve it, and there was no reason why their life had suddenly shifted so dramatically. It just happened. That answer doesn’t always sit well with most of us. It can make us feel vulnerable and takes away order, reason, and cause and effect from the equation which can feel very uncomfortable. The world doesn’t seem to make sense when something bad happens to someone undeserving of it.
All of us will experience pain and hardship at some point in our lives if we haven’t already. It may be the loss of someone we love or a relationship we valued, or a horrible tragedy. These events are emotionally painful and require healing. We often get side tracked by blame and searching for causes that exacerbate the pain and delay healing.
TIPS for keeping healing process on track:
Mindfully search for understanding. In our quest for understanding why something happened try to be observational. It is human nature to search for causes and answers. We try to make sense of a situation, which is natural, but we don’t want to create meaning that doesn’t exist. In order to do this, examine evidence and avoid making assumptions. Recognize there may not be a reason for why something bad happened.
Notice the presence of blame. In the wake of upsetting events, we sometimes impose blame on ourselves (internalization) or others (externalization). Blaming can feel satisfying in the short term, but doesn’t help us find a long term resolution. Internalization makes us believe we must have done something to deserve what happened to us. It doesn’t allow us to comfort ourselves during difficult times, which compounds the pain. Externalizing leads to villainizing others which fuels anger rather than allowing us to heal.
Focus on accountability. Blame and accountability are not the same thing. Blame is harsh, punishing, and riddled with finger pointing. It is usually directed at a person’s character rather than their actions and leaves little room for forgiveness or repair. Accountability, on the other hand, focuses on a person’s actions and taking responsibility for making a mistake and making amends. Sometimes mistakes result in unpleasant events happening. While we can’t undo the past, we can acknowledge what happened, and whether we (or others) could have done things differently. Taking responsibility, apologizing, and learning from our missteps gives us a path toward healing.
Focus on healing. When we put our energy in trying to make sense of why something happened or searching for blame, it takes our attention away from healing. Notice if you find yourself replaying the past and trying to rewrite history (e.g., what if I would have done differently?). This thought pattern keeps us stuck rather than allowing us to move forward. Instead, focus on the emotions you are experiencing in response to the event. Allow yourself to feel them rather than pushing them away. Acknowledge pain and sadness and gradually try shifting away from anger and toward cultivating compassion (e.g., for yourself, for others, for the situation).
Finally, free yourself from contingencies. We sometimes unintentionally impose barriers to healing. For example, if we feel wronged we may feel we need the responsible party to apologize and take accountability before we can move on. However, what if this never happens? When we make our healing contingent on the actions of others we hold ourselves emotionally hostage. We can do the same thing with wanting the answer to “why” something happened. Notice if these rules and contingencies are lurking. Instead, recognize we may never know why something happened and we don’t have the ability to control others’ behaviors. Instead, focus your energy on the healing steps (above) you can control.
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