What We Say to Ourselves Matters

Do You Coach or Criticize?

Do you talk to yourself?  Of course you do.  Everyone does.  Maybe you don’t say words aloud (at least when others can hear you), but there is an ongoing and often random conversation going on in your brain.  Our internal dialogue, or the constant thoughts that come and go throughout the day, serves a purpose.  Simply put, our internal dialogue is our brain’s way of processing.  It allows us to problem solve, make sense of the world and attach meaning to experiences, and so on. Sometimes our internal dialogue makes sense while other times random thoughts seem to come out of nowhere. 

Often thoughts are influenced by our emotional state.  If we are feeling happy, we tend to think positive thoughts.  However, if we are upset, you guessed it, we tend to think more negative thoughts.  This creates a reinforcing cycle—the thoughts we have reinforce our emotional state, the emotional state fuels the thoughts and so on.  Before this cycle gets out of hand, we have the ability to notice it and interact with it.  While we can’t control the thoughts that pop into our head, we can control whether or not we believe them and how we respond to them. You may want to read that sentence again.  It’s important.

When it comes to our thoughts, the biggest mistake we make as humans is believing them to be accurate and truthful.  We often don’t question them, because we believe if we think it, it must be true.  The reality is, emotion driven thoughts are often irrational and not true at all. If we take a closer look at our thoughts, specifically by examining the evidence that supports their accuracy and the evidence that doesn’t, we may come to a different conclusion. 

Example

If you watched the 2022 Olympics, you may have seen the coverage of Mikaela Shiffrin. 

Shiffrin is an incredibly successful skier on track to be the most decorated athlete in her sport.  According to Wikipedia, “She is a three-time Overall World Cup champion, a four-time world champion in slalom, and a six-time winner of the World Cup discipline title in that event.”  She has accomplished all of this and she is only 26. Unfortunately, Mikaela had a very tough time at the Olympics. Going into the games she was expected to leave with multiple medals, however she did not finish three of her events and finished 9th and 18th in two other events.  If you watched any of her interviews she was clearly upset about her performance as any competitive athlete would be. As an illustration, I’ll demonstrate two types of inner dialogue and how that might impact her.

Inner Critic: Mikaela is extremely upset and her inner dialogue becomes quite harsh. She thinks to herself “I am such a failure and I don’t deserve to be here. I have let everyone down, what is wrong with me? I feel like a joke and I can’t do this.”

Inner Coach: Mikaela is very disappointed.  She feels upset and notices her inner dialogue starting to be critical, however she gently reminds herself that she is human.  She isn’t perfect and will make mistakes.  She reminds herself, “You are a great skier, but you aren’t perfect and that is okay.  You are capable and you will recover from this setback.  Mistakes don’t define you, sometimes they happen but it isn’t a reflection of your ability.” She remembers all of her accomplishments and doesn’t let a few moments of disappointment erase years of success.

Notice when the inner critic took over, all of Mikaela’s accomplishments were forgotten.  We tend to get caught in tunnel vision and lose a balanced perspective. It is easy to beat ourselves up, however the harshness does not set us up for future success.  Imagine how Mikaela might feel going into her next event. When we say harsh statements to ourselves, we typically believe them and these beliefs diminish our confidence in ourselves. This downward spiral isn’t helpful and increases distress, and may ultimately prevent her from succeeding in her next race. 

In the inner coach response, Mikaela was able to look at the bigger picture and take a balanced perspective by looking at her disappointment in the context of her past success.  She recognized she wasn’t a failure; how could she be?  She had multiple past victories that were evidence of her success.  She was able to recognize she wasn’t perfect (because no one is) and separate the situation from how she is as a skier. By keeping her thoughts accurate and compassionate, her distress remains more manageable. In reality, Mikaela is coaching herself and did well in her final team event at the Olympics and is preparing for her upcoming World Cup events.

This example shows that we have the ability to engage with our internal dialogue.  Before we accept our thoughts as truth, we can look at the evidence that supports them or proves them false. Further, we can adjust our dialogue so we speak kindly to ourselves.  We are often harsher with ourselves than we would be to anyone else. Imagine what you would say to Mikaela if you were her coach. Would you talk to her the same way you talk to yourself if you were in her shoes or would it be different? 

Exercise

Pay attention to what your inner dialogue is saying.  We often don’t tune into them and you might be surprised.  Notice how different emotional states change your inner dialogue.  In difficult times, do you a coach or criticize yourself?  If you notice critical internal dialogue, what do you think might happen if it became more compassionate? 

I’m curious to know what you do. If you are comfortable sharing in the comments, you can simply type “coach” or “critic” for your best guess at what your dialogue does in challenging moments.

Once you become more aware of your dialogue pattern, you can try some exercises to engage with it.  Next week I’ll introduce some strategies that can help strengthen the coach.