“There is nothing permanent except change.” -Heraclitus
Change is a constant in life, yet it never seems to get easier. Most of us struggle with change, even when we perceive it to be positive. It’s easy to understand why it is difficult to cope with painful changes that results in loss (e.g., death of a loved one), however even the most welcome of changes can be stressful and hard to navigate. Change can be hard but there are ways we can make it a little easier.
Big life changes are associated with increased stress, even when they are perceived as positive and beneficial. Some examples include:
Moving/buying a house
Getting married
Having a baby
Getting a new job or a promotion
Sending kids to college/becoming an “empty nester”
Graduating
Retiring
All of the examples listed above are positive life milestones that involve accomplishments or gaining something, however they also mean a transition. It is common to feel anxious or even some sadness during important (and positive) life transitions. Positive change can be difficult because of the following:
Shifting to a new phase of life also means leaving something behind. All of the examples listed can bring about a sense of loss. For example, moving means we may leave a place or people we care about behind. Getting married and having a baby are wonderful events but they also represent leaving behind a phase of life (childhood, young adulthood) you may have enjoyed.
Change usually brings about something new and unknown. While it can be exciting to try something new, it can also create stress. Humans like predictability and the unknown can be scary. During times of change we often second guess ourselves and wonder if we made the right choice. For example, getting a mild case of “cold feet” before getting married, questioning if you will be successful in your new job, wondering if you will be a good parent, etc. During these moments we may wonder if we made the right choice, however, more often than not, we are experiencing discomfort with the unknown.
Even though change is uncomfortable we usually adjust and settle into our new routine. However, there may be times we hold ourselves back from change simply because the fear of the unknown is too great. The saying “it’s better to deal with the devil you know than the devil you don't know” comes to mind. There are times we choose to stay in a situation that isn’t ideal because it is comfortable rather than take a chance on something new. It’s important to be aware of this pattern. When we fight change too much, we hold ourselves back from growing and potentially finding something wonderful and unexpected.
TIPS for dealing with change:
Acknowledge feelings of loss associated with change. It’s okay and necessary to grieve what you are leaving behind. When something positive happens to us, it doesn’t mean there aren’t also some negative aspects to consider. Change can result in losing the ability to easily spend time with people we care about, a routine or place we like, or even a piece of our identity (e.g., if your profession is a big part of your identity then retiring may feel daunting). It isn’t helpful to minimize or dismiss loss. Putting words to the loss associated with change allows us to process it and move forward. While we may lose parts of our lives we enjoy, change also presents opportunities to reinvent ourselves. Feeling a sense of loss around a change doesn’t mean you can’t feel excited about it as well. Ambivalence, or feeling two ways about something, is very common.
Allow yourself time to adjust to the transition. For example it may take time to make new friends after moving to a new location or feeling comfortable at a new job. Being compassionate and patient with ourselves as we adapt to our new role or environment is key. Remember it takes time to build skills, routine, and feel comfortable. Give yourself a window of time to settle in and then see how you feel before you decide whether or not you are happy with the change. For example, retiring after working for decades may require some time to try new routines, develop new interests and adjust. If you ultimately decide your new circumstance isn’t a good fit for you, what modifications might be helpful?
Notice and manage stress. Research consistently shows change is associated with increased stress. Focusing on managing and coping with stress is an important part of navigating changes. Utilize coping skills such as exercise and talking to others. When feeling overwhelmed, focus on what is stable in your life or not changing. You can do this by focusing on maintaining a daily routine as much as possible or actively noticing all of the things that are stable in your life.
Reassure yourself. It can be helpful to spend time focusing on what you gain by making the change rather than what you are giving up. When we feel stressed it is common to second guess decisions. Explore what is coming up for you in those moments. Is it discomfort with change or are you questioning your original decision? If it is discomfort about change gently point it out to yourself you have successfully navigated change in the past and you are very capable of adapting. It can be helpful to utilize “YOU” language in these moments (see previous post to learn more).
It’s important to remember change is hard for most of us. I have moved several times over the years. It doesn’t matter how excited I was about the move, I also felt sadness about what I had to leave behind. Each time I moved, I found myself sitting on the floor of an empty house sobbing before I left for the last time. I knew I needed to go, but I was sad to part with the community I had to leave. Even though moving is hard for me, the result of each move has been positive. I have enjoyed certain aspects of living in different places and built long standing friendships. If I wouldn’t have taken a chance and stayed in the same place, I would have missed out on so many wonderful opportunities, relationships, and experiences that I continue to cherish. When we allow change to happen we are able to embark on new experiences and expand social support systems. Change can feel uncomfortable, but if we give ourselves time to adjust, we are usually glad we did it.