Shoulds versus Wants
Shoulds versus Wants
Why examining and reframing the shoulds in your life is beneficial
How often do you tell yourself you “should” do something or feel a certain way? How often have others told you: “you really should ________.”? If you are like most individuals, you probably think or hear this word frequently in your daily life. Here are some examples:
I should spend more time with ________ (kids, spouse, family members).
I should lose weight/exercise more.
I should clean the house.
I should work more and make more money.
I should watch less TV or spend less time on social media.
I should be more ___________ (successful, giving, helpful).
Perhaps you have received shoulds from others:
You should take better care of yourself.
You should get along with family no matter what they’ve done to you.
You should leave/break up with them.
You should go into __________ since you are so good at it.
You should feel ___________.
Whether the should comes from ourselves or others, it isn’t helpful or productive. When we use the word should, or its synonyms (have to, ought to, must, etc.) it sends us the message that what we are doing isn’t good enough. It creates a discrepancy between where or who we are and what is expected of us. It lays a trap for perfectionism which eventually starts to diminish our self-esteem. Shoulds create a feeling that we aren’t doing enough, being good enough, etc. and it can lead to painful feelings or lack of self worth. Early pioneers in psychology, such as Karen Horney and Albert Ellis identified the destructive nature of shoulds and how they are associated with increases in depression, anxiety, and other mental distress. As I have mentioned in previous posts, what we say to ourselves matters, and eliminating shoulds from your internal dialogue can have a positive impact on our mental health and well-being.
Imagine what it would be like to evaluate the shoulds that may come up in your life objectively instead of simply absorbing them and treating them as truths. Imagine if the shoulds were like clouds floating across the sky that you can choose to focus on and examine or just let float on by. Upon closer examination, you may find that the should is actually a want. If you look at the examples above, often the things we say we “should” do are actually things we “want” to do either directly or indirectly. For example, maybe you actually do want to spend more time with family, however you have been managing other demands lately. Perhaps cleaning the house is on your to do list, and while it isn’t your favorite activity, you enjoy the end result and “want” a clean house. Often, we can reframe the should into the want and when we do, our perception of the task/activity is much different. Wanting to do something vs. feeling obligated to do it feels entirely different.
Perhaps you identified a should and you simply can’t reframe it into a want. After examination, you may find that the task itself isn’t desirable or the outcome isn’t desirable. In that case, it makes sense to question the should. Evaluate whether or not you really need to do it or experience the outcome. Then ask yourself where does this expectation come from? Do you want to hold on to it or is it something you let go of like a cloud passing by?
Finally, notice what fits into your personal value system. Sometimes shoulds don’t truly belong to us. They may have been imposed on you by your family system or society. Do you actually agree with certain shoulds? If not, how can you let them go or modify them so they align with your personal values?
Evaluating Shoulds and Reframing them:
Observe the shoulds in your life. Notice when you think them and hear them from others. How often do they come up? How do you feel about actually completing a task that you should do? I often recommend doing this for about a week—once you start to look for them it’s hard not to notice when they come up.
Question the should. Is the expectation you are putting on yourself true? Is it something you actually want to do? Maybe the activity itself is a want or eventually will lead to a want. If so, rephrase it from a should to a want.
Evaluate if you can let go of the should. If you simply can’t find a want or positive in the should, can you let it go? What purpose does this serve you?
Example of Reframing a Should
It was a gray, rainy, Monday morning in Seattle and I was riding the bus on my normal commute to the University of Washington campus across the bridge. I was nearing the end of graduate school and in the throws of my dissertation. I was tired and feeling burned out. It was the first day of another long week. Going to work that day was very much a should, not a want. As I sat on the bus, the campus began to come into view. In that moment, I remembered how badly I wanted to go to grad school at the University of Washington. I remembered how hard I worked to get there and how excited I was when I received an invitation to attend. I thought about my loved ones, mentors and classmates and all of the support and encouragement I had received over the years. I reminded myself of my career goals and what I was actually working toward. In that moment, my perspective completely shifted. I could feel that excitement and gratitude that I had when I started my graduate program 4 years earlier. I felt renewed energy and actually looked forward to going to work that day, and in the subsequent days. Even now, when I do have challenging moments or days I remind myself that while a specific task may not be may favorite activity, it contributes to something I truly want to do and enjoy doing. That simple shift makes a world of difference.