Ahhh boundaries. They can sometimes be misunderstood and tricky to navigate. I’m guessing this is not shocking news to anyone. Most of us have probably struggled with them at some point. We may be good about implementing limits in some of our relationships and not in others. We may be guilty of overstepping others’ boundaries from time to time. So today we explore boundaries, why they are useful, my top four favorite boundaries, and tips for maintaining them.
I think of boundaries as the “Goldilocks” of psychology terms. If you are familiar with the childhood story Goldilocks and the Three Bears, you know what I mean. In the story, a young girl named Goldilocks stumbles upon the home of three bears while walking (unsupervised) through the forest. She lets herself in after recognizing no one is home (clearly she is lacking in the boundary department). She helps herself to some leftover porridge and thinks the first bowl is too hot, the second is too cold, and the third is just the right temperature. Next she sits in their chairs, trying to find the most comfortable one and finds the first is too big, the second is also too big, but the third suits her. Finally, she decides to take a nap. She tests each bed in the house and finds the first is too hard, the next is too soft, and the third is just right. Admittedly this cherished childhood story is full of problematic red flags, however it serves as a helpful illustration for successful boundaries. Boundaries are not useful if they are too rigid or too lax, they need to be “just right” in order to be beneficial.
Why are Boundaries Important?
Healthy boundaries demonstrate respect and create healthy relationships. In fact, the best relationships in our lives usually have healthy boundaries. This makes sense—we tend to put the most effort into the relationships we value the most. Boundaries allow us to convey respect in three vital ways:
They show others how to respect us
They show our respect for others
They show our respect for ourselves
On the other hand, weak boundaries are often a sign of an unhealthy relationship. It doesn’t feel good when people overstep them and a lack of boundaries can lead to highly dysfunctional relationships. Chances are if we have weak boundaries it means others are overstepping our boundaries and we are also overstepping others’ boundaries.
The tricky part about boundaries, is they are different for everyone. What is comfortable for one person may be very uncomfortable for another. Boundaries are not a one size fits all. If they were, perhaps this wouldn’t be such a challenging topic. We can’t assume what feels reasonable for us is the same for others and vice versa. We can’t expect others will automatically know our boundaries or share them. That being said, this makes it important to communicate our boundaries effectively.
So how do we know when we need to assess the state of our boundaries? There are some signs. For example, feeling emotionally depleted, uncomfortable, uneasy, resentful, and/or taken advantage of are cues that your boundaries are being breached. When these feelings come up, it is worthwhile to explore it rather than avoiding or dismissing it. What is creating an imbalance and what do you need for it to feel healthy again?
Boundaries are personal, however there are certain themes that are common in relation to boundaries. The following TIPS are common boundaries to keep in mind. What is important to note is boundaries work both ways…we have to respect our own boundaries and the boundaries of others. We have to be mindful about making sure others don’t overstep our boundaries and that we don’t overstep their boundaries.
TIPS for Establishing Basic Emotional Boundaries:
The following are my four favorite emotional boundaries. I find that they are widely applicable and relevant to many of us. This is not an exhaustive list. Further, each of these boundaries can be expanded upon and are worthy of their own post. This is simply an overview.
Don’t say yes if you really mean no. How many times have we agreed to do something we didn’t really want to and then felt resentful or put out by it? For some reason, it can be hard to say no. We don’t want to disappoint others so we end up saying yes when we don’t really want to. Saying no doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be a gift to ourselves and allow us to create space for other things we have committed to doing. Saying no also allows us to respect our own needs. We all have physical and emotional limits. Perhaps in certain situations you don’t feel comfortable with physical affection. Allowing yourself to say no can be empowering. Perhaps you are enduring an exceptionally busy or emotionally taxing week and you simply can’t take on additional requests or responsibilities. It’s okay to know your limits and express them.
I embrace saying no. In fact, my nickname in our research lab is “the Gatekeeper”. I earned it because we are often overwhelmed with research papers to write, studies to run, and it’s hard for others to turn down exciting opportunities. Over-committing can lead to getting spread too thin and tasks not getting completed in an efficient and timely manner. So I created some boundaries. The rule was we could only have so many items on our active “to do” list at once. In order for something new to get added to our to do list, something had to be completed first. Saying yes to everything comes at a high cost (e.g., stress, being spread too thin, etc.), however we often ignore it. Saying no can allow us to be authentic, reasonable, and our best selves. That being said, we must remember boundaries work both ways. I don’t really enjoy being told no (I don’t think many of us do). However, I do have to respect others’ boundaries and limits so when I am on the receiving end of no I accept it.
We can support others, we can’t fix them or their problems. Sometimes the line between support and fixing can be a little murky. It’s important that it isn’t. Supporting someone involves listening, encouraging, showing up, expressing compassion. It does not mean taking on someone else’s problems as your own or expecting others to solve your problems. It’s important we take ownership of our challenges and that others do the same. When someone else is facing a challenging situation it’s important we allow them to take the lead and we stay in a supporting role. We also need to fight our own battles, but we don’t have to do it alone.
Express concern without giving unsolicited advice. We have all been there—we are worried about a friend or loved one. Maybe they are going through a tough time or acting in a way that has us concerned. Perhaps they are in a relationship that doesn’t seem to be healthy or may be engaging in self destructive patterns. These situations are not easy to navigate. It is appropriate to check in and express concern, however the more nonjudgmental we can be the better. It can be hard to resist the urge to “fix” things we see as broken. We have to be respect others’ choices even if we don’t agree with them. We all have our opinions and preferences and what makes sense for us may not for someone else. Even when we have the best of intentions, offering unsolicited opinions or advice usually isn’t received well. If you genuinely have a concern about someone, it’s important to express it, however telling someone what they need to do to resolve it goes a step too far. If someone wants advice, they will ask for it. If they don’t, we need to keep it to ourselves. The same works in the opposite direction. It doesn’t feel great to be on the receiving end of unsolicited advice or judgment. It can result in feeling shame or defensiveness. If you are on the receiving end of someone’s well-meaning advice and don’t want it, it’s okay to let them know.
We are responsible for our behavior, not others’ behavior. This is a big topic. When we are in a relationship with someone their behavior impacts us for better or worse. How many times have you had a frustrating interaction with someone you care about only to think “if they would just stop doing ______, or do _____ differently then things would be better”. The reality is that we only have control over our own behavior. Rather than hoping for someone else to change or trying to change them, we can focus on our own behaviors and the ways we engage with others. You can express how their behavior affects you and then make a determination on how much exposure you will have to another’s behavior moving forward. Sometimes people simply don’t want to change or see the need for it. We have to accept others decisions and actions, however we don’t have to keep engaging in destructive patterns. Again, the reverse is true. You are not responsible for others’ actions, they are. If you feel attacked and blamed for someone else’s behaviors, that is a serious sign to check in and assess this situation.
The key to boundaries is acknowledging when interactions or relationships feel unbalanced and uncomfortable. It doesn’t feel good to be taken advantage of or treated disrespectfully. This works both ways. We have to be mindful about others breaching our boundaries as well as overstepping others’ boundaries. Boundaries may change across time and vary based on the relationship or situation, so it’s important to have an understanding of what you need and be able to communicate it accordingly. As far as Goldilocks and the Three Bears goes, the bears may want to consider locking their doors when they leave and Goldilocks must learn not to enter houses uninvited and make herself at home.
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Loved this as I never would have thought of these 4. Always thought that Goldilocks was a bit of boundary abuser
What a timely article. I just set a boundary with someone whom I was enjoying connecting with and they decided to end the relationship. I struggled with this all weekend but I know I did the right thing in speaking up about the crossed boundary. We all deserve to feel comfortable and safe in our relationships with others wether they are intimate, professional or platonic. We must also remember that we are not beyond breaching the boundaries of others. That’s how human relations are. We step on each other, we hurt each other purposely or not. I’m learning to communicate clearly and practice compassion for self and others to ensure that I can enjoy healthy connections with them.