Mindfulness Series: Learning to Take an Observational Perspective
How exactly do we be observational and nonjudgmental?!?
Throughout the mindfulness series, I have encouraged you to notice what comes up using an observational, nonjudgmental perspective. This can sometimes be a difficult task. I worked with many individuals who asked “how do I do that exactly?”. This is a very fair question and to be honest, being observational and nonjudgmental with our thoughts and emotions can be very challenging. The good news is, this is also a skill we can practice and learn. So in this post I will talk about why being observational is helpful and ways to practice it.
Being observational and nonjudgmental can be tricky. Doing mind is wired to have opinions and think about things (for a recap on doing and being mind click here). When we think about something, we attach labels to experiences and things. We define them as good or bad, negative or positive. Doing mind analyzes, judges and tries to make sense out of things. While these are useful and necessary ways of interacting with the world around us, we tend to overuse doing mind. Alternatively, being mind allows us to observe and notice things. When we talk about being observational, it means we simply watch without needing to attach judgment or change the way things are. It means we can describe something as it is without imposing our opinion on it. We can allow a moment to be as it is rather than labeling it or wanting it to be different.
Why is it helpful to be observational and nonjudgmental?
First, our mind is wired to assess (or judge) situations and things. In many ways this is protective especially when it comes to survival. We need to be able to decide when something is safe or dangerous, good or bad. However, over time we can develop this pattern with everything—especially thoughts and emotions. It’s important to note that while judgments may arise, it is simply a thought that we can let go of and free ourselves from having to act on them. Constantly judging our experiences can create an emotional trap. Our brain will identify something as positive and then want to cling to it or want more of it. When we identify something as negative we react by resisting or avoiding it. When we see something as neutral we can become indifferent to it. This sets us up for a pattern of mental time travel. Dreading what may happen next, wishing we could go back in time, or fast forward to something in the future. In reality, if we are more observational and open to experiencing the full spectrum of emotions, thoughts, and experiences it allows us to enjoy the present. Let me share an example…
I love having friends and loved ones visit and I really hate it when they leave. I flat out dread the day of departure. During the last days of their visit I find myself thinking more about how sad I am that they are about to leave rather than enjoying the time we still get to spend together. I recognize how ridiculous this sounds! I get frustrated about feeling sad while they are still here, so then I try to push the emotion away. This is where I start to get into trouble, because doing this actually intensifies the negative emotion. When I notice this happening, I try to shift gears from worrying about the future to being in the present. I allow myself to notice what I am experiencing. I remind myself I don’t need to change anything. It’s okay to feel some apprehension about things coming to an end. I also recognize that I am missing out on enjoying the present, so I try to notice what is happening in the moment. Can I shift gears and be present in the current activity? The answer is yes. I can simply be present in conversations, current activities, and the here and now. When I pay attention and engage in the present, the negative feelings about the future quiet down. I don’t have to force them, it happens naturally. So, what happens when I am taking my visitors to the airport? Well, I feel some sadness and that is okay. Again, I observe that it’s there, it is a natural feeling, and I don’t have to push it away. I also recognize that emotions are constantly changing. When I return home and engage in my normal activities I will try to be present focused. When I am mindful about what I am doing the sadness seems to quiet down and fade. That’s the nature of emotions, they are constantly changing. When we accept that we don’t have to fight to hold onto the positive emotions or push away the negative emotions we can free ourselves from painful emotional struggles.
Exercise: Practicing Observation
Being observational simply means creating some mental space. This space allows us to watch and notice without being as impacted by our thoughts and emotions. How do we practice being observational with our own emotions and thoughts? Here is a little demonstration:
Close your eyes and imagine your third grade school classroom (if you can’t remember third grade, pick any classroom from your childhood). Visualize your teacher at the front of the room, the desks and chairs, and the decorations on the walls. Look around and notice what friends are in your class. Take a moment and transport yourself back into your class. Now I want you to notice something—are you looking out your own eyes or are you looking down on yourself (almost as if you are seeing things from above)? If you are looking through your own eyes, I want you to shift gears and imagine you are standing at the back of the room seeing everything from a different observational perspective. Repeat the exercise and notice if it feels different.
This exercise is similar to the “fly on the wall” exercise where we take a slightly distanced perspective which allows us to experience a situation or examine emotions more observationally. Figuratively, we are still in the room, seeing what is happening, but not being directly impacted by it. When we are able to pause and make this mental shift it allows us to switch gears and examine the situation from an emotionally safer space. Practicing shifting from seeing/experiencing things through our own eyes to noticing things from a slight distance allows us to be present, but looking at things from a different perspective. Remember, the goal is to stay engaged rather than avoid or tune out.
Watch a movie. If you want to practice feeling multiple emotions within a confined period, I recommend watching a movie that evokes several emotional responses. We all have those favorite movies that may have moments of laughter, joy, tenderness, suspense, and sadness. When I think of some of my favorite movies, they carry me through several different emotional responses in 2 hours. Some that come to mind are Steel Magnolias, Shawshank Redemption, Terms of Endearment, Forrest Gump, among others. Some television shows may do the same things. If you practice this exercise, pay attention to what you are feeling and how your emotions change throughout the movie. Watch them and observe how they wax and wane. You can simply experience them without having to change them or act on them.
TIPS for being observational:
Notice sensations. Being observational and nonjudgmental with emotions and and thoughts can be hard, so I recommend starting off with sensations in your body. Notice what sensations you experience. Maybe you feel heaviness, lightness, some tightness, or soreness. Simply notice how you feel and describe it. If you notice judgmental words that frame the description in a positive or negative light, try to shift the words you use to be more descriptive and neutral.
Be descriptive without attaching judgment. Notice how you describe experiences and events to others. Do you use a lot of judgmental words and labels (e.g., awful, terrible)? Simply start to notice as they come up in conversations and in your own internal dialogue. Can you focus on simply describing an event or an emotion by it’s name and from an observational perspective? For example, instead of saying, “I feel so sad, this is awful!”, can you simply identify the actual emotion without the judgmental label? Instead you might say “I feel sadness,” or “I feel sadness in this moment, however it feels a little quieter than it did last night.” Simply start to observe how emotions can change in intensity over time. Also notice if you feel multiple emotions simultaneously. Sometimes we forget that we may feel grief and moments of joy as well.
Change our relationship with judgments. Judgments are simply thoughts. What do I always say about thoughts? We can’t control them. We can control whether we believe them and act on them. Rather than focus on judgments, notice they are there. Gently remind yourself that you don’t need to believe them or act on them. Focus on noticing what is happening or what your experiencing in the moment without it needing to be labeled as good or bad.
Increasing our ability to be more observational and nonjudgmental, allows us to cultivate peacefulness and reduces emotional suffering. We are able to live in the moment and accept and appreciate things as they are rather than wishing they were different. This opens the door for feelings of gratitude and contentment rather than longing and disappointment.
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THAT is the 64 dollar question - my practice of Zen & Taoism have helped a lot. The objective is a state of awareness where all there is in your mind is "Nothingness" - that blank space between thoughts. So that the ONLY time there are thoughts running through your mind is when you WANT to contemplate something..... give this careful consideration because once you are on 'The Path' (to Mindfulness & Enlightenment) there is no getting off - if you are like most people, you will make the odd detour along 'The Way' but you will always end up back on 'The Road Less Traveled'...... i've been stumbling along this path since 1969.